Why?

by eryn

I'm seventeen and I do think I suffer teenage depression.
Though people don't think childhood hasn't a lot to do with it; it actually does. In my years of elementary school, I was bullied by this big girl named Katie and what ever I did, she would punch me, push me to the ground, kick me... and no one bothered to stop it. I suffered through it for 4 years until my mom became fed up with it. They sent Katie to the office and they asked her why she bullied me.

...She said she had no idea why.
That's when my self-esteem shot down worse than it ever did.

I'm also a kid who suffered from a siblings addiction to alcohol and drugs. I lost him, as well as a lot of other deaths not even relating to death, but to illness like cancer. All my life, I've focused on everything I lost, the negativity and abuse I get from kids, teachers, and mostly adults. I get verbally abused by my family which hurts me inside badly. I've had an adult trigger a really bad panic attack to the point where I couldn't breath, speak, see... I couldn't move. I cut myself from drama that people like to burden on me. I tried suicide 3 times without anyone noticing.

What hurts me worse is my ex boyfriend. He lives in my neighborhood and so we hang out, but he's one of those kinds that cheats on you again and again and apologizes. He was my first relationship. And it's hurt me so terribly. He thinks he's helping me through my low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts and he's only making it worse with every girl he kisses. I don't know why I even care anymore.

Everyone uses me to their advantage. By now, I don't care, but I feel like it's their fault if they make me feel worse than I already am. With the scars on my legs, arms, shoulders... I wish I could just be happy again. Not watch blood run off my body, to pass out in the shower from not wanting to eat... I want to live again.