Why not me?

by Terisa
(Hot springs, Ark.)

I'm 40 years old , a mother of 2 girls 17 and 21. I've been married 3 times. Thought I was walking on a steel platform at the age of 24 divorced for the first time. I was raising the girls on my own working as a full time masseuse owned my home. Had a car . Then it all went to hell. My mom died . I got married for the 2nd time . Which was a big mistake. I lost my mind.

I was already depressed from the first marriage. The physical abuse ,mental abuse, and the cheating and lying . What is really messed up is he still till this day denies it all it was all my fault. I hate to say this, but I got pregnant the second time to hopefully make him stay after he cheated and left me. I was raised in an abusive home .My second marriage wasn't any better . He was a Vietnam vet I loved having those big arms around me I felt protected. Then we got married. The drinking is what got us. I still miss him sometimes. I made a big mistake after that . When my mom died in 94' I had a nervous breakdown. I let my kids go live with their dad I told him just for a couple of weeks. But then I got high. I started using crack cocaine, very heavily any where to 300.00 a night to up to a bout 800.00. I didn't realize it until 4 years ago that I was gone for 8 years. I thought it had only been 2 years.

I come to realization standing on the porch of a church barefooted in a lighting, thundering , rainstorm I had walked about 3 miles. Barefooted mind ya. I looked up and saw the steeple of this church, walked up on the porch. Started to sit down, looked down and between my feet was a huge shot gun shell unfired I just started laughing my butt off. I figured it was either shoot myself or go home. Well, I admitted my self to the hospital . Get this I went to the re, told them I needed some help, the pretty little man said we are not a drug rehab go away . So I went out side looked in my bag saw that my meds were in my bag so I just started swallowing a whole lot of them I'm epileptic, asthmatic, depressed, and I also had some street bought hydrocodones, xanax, paxil, methodone I went back inside threw those bottles up on his tidy little counter said now will you help me? And puked right there. I woke up two days later in an ambulance on my way to Texarkana, ark. To spend some quiet time in drug rehab. Mind ya when I left I had married my third husband separated from him because he had tried to molest my 6 year old. Lost my mom , my sister from juvenile diabetes, a etopic pregnancy so ya, you can say I was a little depressed. But to top it when I returned back home dried out . I returned to my home to find it ransacked my own sisters and nieces and nephews came to my house and stole every thing I had . I went to their homes and said that that stuff was mine . And I quote " doesn't it look better in my house." I was devastated. I scraped up enough stuff to get by living in my home. For a while. My dad was living next door in the house that I grew up in. But he was going insane. He drank maraschino cherry juice, daily said god said it was a natural cure all. Holy water is what he called it. Then one day i was standing in my kitchen heard a gun shot and I ran over to find him barricaded in his house, told me they wouldn't let him let me in. I said who won't daddy? Those people in here. I shot the t.v. the devil was coming out of it. Now they are here cleaning it up. I called my sisters and the police . To come help me get him out of there I knew there was more shooting gonna happen if I didn't . Boy did I Do the wrong thing. I killed my father. They took him to the hospital I had to stand in front of a judge , sign papers and have my father committed to the state hospital. Where they kept him tied to a wheelchair then a bed he received a bedsore they had to do surgery and remove the dead tissue . He lost half of a butt cheek , and one testicle. He went to a nursing home where he came infected with staph . And later died . I hate myself for signing those papers. If my mom would not have died he would not have went insane. I am in a relationship now that I have no idea why I stay the man is abusive mentally physically and he is a flat out retard. I guess it is because i'm just to tired to move again. I wish I didn't have so much invested with him I just wish someone would jus come and with a magical wand pack up everything that I have here and move me far far far away where My Prince of all my life is where he takes care of everything such as bills, repairs, and all I have to do is housekeeping and cooking. Without the abuse constantly calling me names. I'm just tired . I've tried killing my self a couple of times but I know now I was left here for a reason. My girls are back with me, and they can't stand their father . Two more months. And my x'husband troubles will be over. And I will be able to tell all what kind of a bastard he really was to me and to the girls. I can't wait he will loose everything. Karma is a bitch . And revenge is going to be mine. I don't know what tomorrow will bring me. But today ,I will try to smile at least once.If it be a squirrel in my yard or a reaction to gas in my stomach. I will smile.