When Your Best Friend Commits Suicide

by Dani
(Vancouver)

Slowly … I die.
I slowly died of torture
I slowly died from pain
I slowly died from missing you
Since i guess that was the only gain
I lost you a long time ago
never knowing my past was so real
I swear i never knew i could feel
Feel like this was my only regret
because my life was like a life of a cigarette
Everyone wanted something
I felt as though I was always missing
I never knew truly who I was.
I never knew who I truly would miss
Until the day you decided to take your life away
And that day, was the day I became a wash away
I was wash away by the pain and regret I had
I was washed away by all the memories
All those memories of you and I


MY STORY
My best friend since kinder-garden died when I was only 12, Jesse was only a year older than me, he was like family, I loved him with all that was inside of me, i'd do anything for him, and same for him to do anything for me. I never knew i'd loose him so fast, it felt like loosing him was like loosing my other half, i felt as if someone was ripping my heart out of my chest, i didn't know what to do, all i could do was cry, so like any 12 year old girl, i held all my feelings in, I thought that if I acted as if it never happened it would be true and hopefully the next day i'd see Jesse at school and everything would be fine. I was wrong, I was so oblivious to the fact that when someone commits suicide there must have been something bothering them to the extent that they would kill them self.

I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say. I just couldn't believe that my best friend would go and kill himself, so note. Nothing.

I decided not to go to school the next day, I couldn't, my friends would be there asking me what wrong, I wouldn't be able to control myself when someone would ask me "What's wrong?" i'd be so compelled to just blurt out "my best friend committed suicide and I want to trade places !". I wouldn't be able to handle anyone talking to me in the slightest manor.

I honestly though, my life was over just before it could even start, I mean I lost the one person I held most dear to me, all I could think was "why did he do this?" "why didn't he leave a note explaining?", "what am I going to do without him?". I never thought this would happen, Jesse always seemed so happy, he was full of 'Joy De Vie'.

~PRESENT DAY~
I've been feeling horrible about myself nowadays, it's been really touch since Jesse's death, it's been 2 years and honestly it feels like just yesterday I was a 12 year old girl crying in her bed room wishing for all of the pain to go away. I recently saw this site and decided maybe I should take this depression test because honestly, I feel horrible all the time, I've had so many suicide thoughts and many attempts as well but I've never been able to go threw with it because it don't want to make people who love me have to deal with my suicide or feel as if it was their fault just like i thought it was my fault for Jesse's suicide, only he didn't just attempt he went threw with it.