Whats their to live for after everything turns on you..

by Austin
(Hawaii)

Dear Emma,
So I'm 16. I'm from Hawaii, junior in high school. I wouldn't say I was popular in school, but I was very well known for me being me. Happiest person you could meet, always put smiles on peoples faces, friendliest guy even if I didn't know you, everybody always wanted to talk and hang out with me on the weekends, make jokes with me. I was very talented in baseball my whole life and in football a little bit. Wouldn't say I was a player either, but I always had girls to talk too in a friends with benefits way and I thought I couldn't ask for more.
But the beginning of this school year I met a new girl that transferred to my school, and I liked her very much and she felt the exact same way also. So our feelings for each other were so strong, I've never felt anything like that for a girl like how I did for her. She meant more to me than just a one night stand... ha ha, and I gave up lots of stuff for her also, talking to other girls, smoking weed, drinking, partying , etc. We went out for only a month and broke up because of clingy issues but that wasn't the big issue. The thing that affected me till this day, was after our break up, my best friend he knew how much I liked this girl, I told him everything, gave him all my trust. I basically gave him my whole heart and soul. I let him know how much I missed her after we broke up and they were already good friends at the time, so I thought he would talk to her for me. Ends up he meets her at a building at our school and they kiss. I've never been so hurt by that in my life and it hurt me very much emotionally,physically and it was gonna crush my whole baseball career because I had offers to colleges already and that was the ultimate pain and sorrow. Having someone you trust and is your best friend/boy/ride or die brother just stab you in the back. Like even though it was just a like a 2 or 3 second kiss and they didn't make out or have sex, it was just the fact it was him and he was like the only dude id talk to her about and vent to him about and I thought he'd understand and never do anything like what he did to me. I did not even know they were talking behind my back that whole time we broke up. I knew they texted each other though sometimes not everyday like how they were,just as friends when me and my ex gf were together because they were close already.
I just cannot trust him anymore because he was my boy and still is kinda now because we made up after that incident, and seeing the both of them in my classes everyday and seeing their texts it makes me wanna end everything... I've given up so much for them because I cared and loved them so much and did a lot for them. I just feel so hurt everyday I go to school, and thinking I can trust him when he kisses my ass and tries to be cool like how we were. And with my ex gf, we WERE talking again for a while and it was going good, then guess who popped up again? My used to be Boy.
So right now it's affecting me even more till this day and it feels like i don't have much friends anymore because i always feel so depressed and not wanting to talk to anyone because honestly i don't have anything to say besides my ex gf and him, i just wish me and my ex gf could be friends again but she doesn't want that because i asked her about my boy(best friend) and her recently if they had a thing going on, because i noticed they were talking a lot again so i was scared the past was gonna haunt me, but they weren't and said they had nothing between them but i seen every wall post and text, all of them sound flirty like theres no way you could cover that up but whatever.
I just feel so worthless by wasting all my energy on them and now it doesn't matter, my ex gf is probably done with me forever because i was making sure if they had a thing and she blew up, and my boy(best friend), he thinks he's doing nothing wrong when he knows i like her still and we were just talking for about 2 months!! so it makes me think now, they might hook up, do stuff more, etc. And I just cant believe it. Now my grades have dropped from 3.4 gpa to a 2.5 gpa or 2.8 i would say, I hardly eat, hardly speak, I'm a mean person at home. My life doesn't have any meaning to me anymore, I don't have anything that makes me truly happy anymore, now my friends they chose him over me most of the time, my phone doesn't blow up with texts or calls like it used too. I feel alone, wasting time and space in and out of school for everybody. I just don't know what to do with my life anymore after that one time I was at my depression highest and I didn't speak to anyone very much… it left me alone doing what I'm doing right now, finding ways to cope with depression and not ending my life to stop the pain and sorrow. There are just no solutions... I wish none of it has never happened, I would never be the person I am right now if it never happened in the first place. Bring back the old me...