What if it's all just in my head?

by Natalie
(Florida)

Hi. I have been bullied my entire life for being fat. I have struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness over the years, but it has gotten much worse ever since I started middle school. Now I'm in the first two weeks of the 8th grade.
My mom and dad love me VERY much, though, always have. I’ve always gotten good grades, my mom always spends personal time with me (even my dad sometimes, but we just never clicked as well) and really the only big issue in my family life is that my dad is a smoker and a drinker. He doesn’t get IMMENSELY drunk anymore though—just slurred speech, falling, bumping into stuff….. SO WHAT DO I REALLY HAVE TO BE SAD ABOUT??
• I have been cutting for 2-3 weeks. They don’t bleed much, but I cut several times every day. I feel like I deserve it. Though I always have thoughts like “What if I just want the attention?”, “What if it’ll just go away soon?” and “What if I'm just trying to be dramatic, thinking that it’s bigger than it is?”.
• I feel sad every day and I've thought about death a few times, but I have brief periods of happiness. This is the way it was been for over a month.
• I used to write poetry every day, and now I can’t draw inspiration from anything.
• Has maybe the sadness of being bullied and talked about by my “friends” behind my back just been building up over the years and has finally reached its bursting point?.....

I don’t want to give the WHOLE story just please I don’t know what to do and I don’t even KNOW if I have depression or anything like that.