Welcome to My Life

by Thomas D.
(San Marcos, California)

I'm a 16 year old male and my entire life, things have never gone the way I've wanted. I know that it sounds like I want to have a perfect life, but it seems like no matter what, I have bad luck and the decisions that I make are ones that I regret later. I always seem to act on an impulse that I really don't want to...it seems like there's someone determining the outcome of my life and they just want to make me f***ing miserable. Ever since the age of 11, I've wanted to go back in time and relive my life, somehow with the knowledge I have now. Sometimes I even wish I could just be someone else.

I don't have the social skills needed to hang out with people like everyone else does, I probably will never have the confidence needed to ask a girl out which means I'll probably end up dying alone, there are many things about myself that I try so hard to change but can't, and I don't have anyone to ask for help. I've been thinking about going to see a therapist, but I don't know where to start or how to do that without being driven somewhere by someone. The closest thing to a friend I have is my cousin, and due to a recent event, he's not exactly someone I can go to with my problems anymore.

I've made a decision to join the army or marines--which might not even happen considering I'm not exactly physically fit and I can't even catch a ball properly--to try and straighten out my life. Maybe a near-death experience will make me realize how much I want to live. Maybe I'll learn leadership qualities and gain confidence so that I can interact with people. At the moment I'm hoping for it to be the end of my life.

Many of you probably have it better than me, and I mean that 100%. But I'm able to keep myself from committing suicide with the help of a few things. I'm too scared to find out what happens when you die (sounds weird, I know), some songs help me focus on other things like "Welcome to My Life" by Simple Plan, or the Village of Dali theme from Final Fantasy IX, and I live life like it's someone else's. It's kinda hard to describe but it's like when you organize your stuff. When it's only your stuff, you want everything perfect and a certain way, but when you organize a friend's belongings, it's really simple and easy, even kind of fun.

Thanks for reading, hope you can live your life better than mine.