Unsure

by Molly
(PA)

I’m fourteen years old. I have a great life, with wonderful parents and a bunch of friends. I have had great grades for years but although I have all of this, I can’t enjoy it.

In October, my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer for the third time. She had successfully beat it twice. That’s when these feelings started for me. I started to feel worthless and unworthy. I have a great life, right? But I started to be unable to enjoy it. My little brother even noticed I ‘stopped smiling’.

In February my aunt died. I had never lost a loved one before. She was the last person I wanted to impress in life. She was a firm believer in God (I am not) and she never was mean or rude. She was wonderful. But then she died, and I was left with emptiness. I stopped hanging out with my friends, becoming a recluse. I would only go to school and never go out otherwise. I didn't talk much in school either. I began to play x-box, playing violent war games. I wanted to try drugs, to see if they would make anything better. I also began writing and painting more. I felt like I needed to write or paint something amazing to gain importance in the world.

I have tried to explain my feelings to my parents, and they didn’t fully understand. For the past month I’ve been thinking about suicide. About how I will do it, where, when, if I’ll give away my things or write a list of who gets what. I’m unsure of what to do. I want to reach out to a teacher but I’m unsure if that’s the right thing to do.

I’m unsure and confused and worthless. Please give me feedback.

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Unsure

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Deducing You
by: Laslo

Sorry, I forgot to write my name thus I was Anonymous. But I'm not anonymous, nor you are.
You wrote that you have very different views on the world than others. Your first three arguments do not look like very different. Nobody can't really understand feelings, most of us find crying weak, and most of us do not feel guilt.
What is very special with you that you do not find yourself special. It's very special, isn't it?
The main task of human beings is to find their very nature. It is not given to you, you should find it. This is the reason and goal of your life. Your uniqueness may not be found in simple things, such as being lovely or smart or beautiful etc.. Your uniqueness should be more unique, should be hidden below the surface. You should find it. It's your life, it's your chance.
PS: You have no clinical depression.

To Anonymous
by: Molly

To understand my views of worthlessness, I must explain myself. I have very different views on the world than others. If they are similar to yours, then I?d like to know. First of all, I do not really understand feelings. When I stopped believing in God, I stopped believing in love. It?s all in your mind. I do not know how to be happy for long periods of time, just in short, brief bursts. Second, I find crying weak. I want to stand alone and independent in the world and I cannot if I cry. Thirdly, I don?t feel guilt. I?ve made loopholes in my mind that prevent me from ever feeling guilty. I?m blunt and can be rather cold but I believe that people should know my thoughts. If I die tomorrow, they won?t know my thoughts on them.

Which brings me to worthlessness. I do not find myself special. I have no reason to be the one out of millions of other possible children that my parents could have had. I do not know how to distinguish myself as important. Although my friends (one of which has been diagnosed with clinical depression and two others are former cutters) tell me that I?m important to them because I?m always happy and funny and such, I cannot truly believe it. And I?m the greatest actress that ever lived. (A joke of course) I come off as a sweet, intellectual, funny girl who is always smiling and has a great life. I?m never complaining or talking about my problems, everything is always wonderful. I am that way to please my parents and friends rather than myself. It?s all fake. And I have points where I?m so confident, so egotistical, where I think I?m better than other people. Like an energy drink however, I crash the second I?m alone.

I struggle to own up to any importance in this life. I don?t deserve what I have. To be honest, if I sound like a horrid child, please tell me. I?m nervous talking about myself. Nobody deserves to have me dump my physiological crap on them. I am in high school; I should be able to take care of myself. Well?That?s my little rant. Deduce me.

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Submitted by: Molly

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To understand my views of worthlessness, I must explain myself. I have very different views on the world than others. If they are similar to yours, then I?d like to know. First of all, I do not really understand feelings. When I stopped believing in God, I stopped believing in love. It?s all in your mind. I do not know how to be happy for long periods of time, just in short, brief bursts. Second, I find crying weak. I want to stand alone and independent in the world and I cannot if I cry. Thirdly, I don?t feel guilt. I?ve made loopholes in my mind that prevent me from ever feeling guilty. I?m blunt and can be rather cold but I believe that people should know my thoughts. If I die tomorrow, they won?t know my thoughts on them. Which brings me to worthlessness. I do not find myself special. I have no reason to be the one out of millions of other possible children that my parents could have had. I do not know how to distinguish myself as important. Although my friends (one of which has been diagnosed with clinical depression and two others are former cutters) tell me that I?m important to them because I?m always happy and funny and such, I cannot truly believe it. And I?m the greatest actress that ever lived. (A joke of course) I come off as a sweet, intellectual, funny girl who is always smiling and has a great life. I?m never complaining or talking about my problems, everything is always wonderful. I am that way to please my parents and friends rather than myself. It?s all fake. And I have points where I?m so confident, so egotistical, where I think I?m better than other people. Like an energy drink however, I crash the second I?m alone. I struggle to own up to any importance in this life. I don?t deserve what I have. To be honest, if I sound like a horrid child, please tell me. I?m nervous talking about myself. Nobody deserves to have me dump my physiological crap on them. I am in high school; I should be able to take care of myself. Well?That?s my little rant. Deduce me.

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You are really unsure
by: Anonymous

Hi, I see you are unsure and confused. But how can I decide that you are worthless? You do not report anything which might prove your worthiness. But you gave a lot of evidence that you are a creative creature with deep feeling, able to suffer, able to see the hidden layer of the world.
Please tell me what do you mean about worthless.
I was 13 when my grandfather died. He was the most beloved being in my short life. I felt guilty in his death because I asked him to agree in his leg to be amputated in the hospital. He died after the operation. I thought that's the end of the world. I was really confused...
Life is worth to live. But sometimes we miss the living connection to life. Sometimes we fall out of the flow of life. And when we are out of the living flow we think about death.
How could you find your way back to life? You have some good and some bad trials. Please send me some of your writings. May it helpful for other as well.