Titleless, tiredness, lifeless

by Sleepwalker
(NJ, USA)

I'm a 32 year old male with little interest in life. Originally from Europe from a typical dysfunctional family that came to US when I was a child. Got stuck in the voids of immigration laws and untill this day, I'm illegal. Violence at home and unwantedness by strangers never helped my self-esteem. As a child I just wanted to disappear and never come back again. At age of 8 I was drafting plans for suicide that would require no need for burial. Away from friends and family, the hopes for finding them back home some day become slimmer and more burdensome as the guilt sets in with no mercy. Nearly everything I've ever done has been a disappointment to my father. Verbal stabs and physical contact have left me powerless only with wounds to receive friendly comforting words like makeup over a scar. My mother spoiled me with love as my father and I gradually worked on my self-hatred thinking. Well so what, people might say. Well I'm just unhappy with who and what I am. I should be happy, I tell myself. Managed to have a job, my own little house, car, food, some friends but life is nothing more than a waste of time. But there are people dieing of diseases and natural disasters, I remind myself. Still motivates me nothing. I try to remind myself of the 5 years I spent with a Church, where people were friends and family, where things seemed easier, where it was not where but with whom and what, with eternal goals. Although I was totally not happy, I now look back at myself as a fortress but that now, after focusing on one point of attack on the castle walls, the castle has been left demolished for unattending the winning sides when they needed attention the most. If I could just focus on what matters, what I like, goals, dreams etc. the castle would have a king and a queen that would reign honorably. Oh, I almost forgot I have no real dreams or goals. Or maybe I just don't have interest in anything. But what do I do about the million mile-per-hour life that doesn't let me catch up. Years are like minutes and days don't exist. At the same time I'm paralyzed by panic and disappointments of plans that don't work and time is running out. Nights give me no rest, days give me no one to share them with and my body is nothing more than a walking corpse. I don't want to give up, but when I try to face reality, it leaves me no desire to live. Why can't I make my life worth living. Why can't I enjoy a social event. If I could just ask a girl to dance or maybe learn to dance. If I could just enjoy a deep breath, smelling the flowers in an early morning sunrise. I could try using my gym membership to help my body and mind fight this mess. Maybe have a bit more trust with medicine would help. Maybe just a bit of Faith would do it. But no, I just let the maggots of thought eat away my mind. I see nothing that will change me for the better. I can only try leaving what I think might be some advice. If you have a passion, hold on to it for life. If you really love someone, don't ever stop loving them. At a time of desperation remember your passion and the most valuable thing - your love for others.