Thoughts that never come into being

I can never let go, the pain is so intense, I toss and turn each night with thoughts going through my head, just begging someone to make it stop. I hate the idea of taking pills for my depression, it sickens me when I see so many commercials advertising them. It's almost like a cowards way out, I've always felt that you need to deal with your depression on your own. No substance will ever help you permanently.

But this pain is different, I don't want to do anything, I don't care about anything. Everyday I wake up and keep thinking of things to do to make my life better . . . thinking, not doing. I have plans in my head to call old friends and hang out, to learn guitar, to start working out and get into sports. But they are all just thoughts that never come into being.

When it comes to school, I never try, never pay attention or do homework or listen. I know I could be get the A's if I wanted, but I just don't care. Even though I'm paying for it, I've so far wasted two thousand dollars on classes I decided to stop going to.

Why am I like this? Why can't I find my way? I ask those question everyday. I gave my heart and soul to my first true love, we made plans like any stupid teenager would. Long story, short, I got my heart ripped out in front of my eyes and watched as it was slowly tortured. A pretty intense description, but I feel its accurate. When you catch someone that you love in a lie, and the lie they told was to protect you from pain, it will amplify that pain to something much worse.

Here I am, no direction, no hope, few friends, bad grades,and a lost faith in love. But I made a promise to myself along time ago, to never give up on life. I haven't given up, I know things will get better, It's just hard when you don't see a light at the end of the tunnel