There's nobody out there...

by im sorry
(va)

I'll be 21 in August, I think I've been depressed since I was about 13 or 14. I used to cut in the beginning, I've cut a few times recently but not within the past year or so. Growing up, my mom stayed at home and worked and my dad traveled for his job. He did a wonderful job providing a lavish lifestyle for my mom and I...as I reached my teenage years I started getting in a lot of trouble, my mom found out I was smoking cigarettes and marijuana and I was always grounded. My dad's job offered him a job where he wouldn't have to travel, so we picked up and moved to another state. We moved while I was grounded so I was pretty much unable to say bye and really "live it up" with my friends before I moved.

A year or so into the move, my dad began cheating on my mom, with two men. Its been about 5 years now, they're still married (only because a divorce is so expensive, and our "lavish" lifestyle has since disappeared), before my dad came out and told us what was going on, my mom had suspicions and ended up trying to commit suicide, and spent x amount of days at a mental health place. I no longer have any relationship with my dad, I think he's a complete douche bag, he completely abandoned my mom and me; but quite honestly I feel stronger because of it. It still sucks.

I'm always the girl who always has a boyfriend, as I've gotten older, I've obviously developed feelings I didn't know about when I was 12 and had a boyfriend. I have a bad habit of being treated like shit, for example, one of my ex-boyfriends cheated on me at least 5 times, and each time I found out, we fought, we broke up, and we ended up back together. My own fault, I know. But why do I go back? I just ended a relationship with my ex-boyfriend after 3 years, we moved out together, we talked about marriage, but in the big picture we're not right for each other, we have nothing in common, but I had security with him and I knew he loved me and wouldn't have treated me like shit. My best friend is a huge bitch, we have lots of fun together for the most part but sometimes her attitude really makes me wonder why I'm friends with her. I discussed me moving back to my old state with her, she didn't speak to me for 2 weeks.

My plan is to move back and start going to school there to finish my VET TECH career; I was SO excited about going back but the excitement has left, now I wonder if I should stay here because I know I can afford it and not risk the chance of failing... I just don't understand. I feel like I can't talk to anyone, where's the best friend I can tell anything to and not feel judged? I've been having a "secret" relationship with my manager from work, it's not working out but I want that sense of security. It's pitiful. Now that I'm done with my ex-boyfriend I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart, not because I miss him necessarily but because I need to feel loved...I know my mom loves me, she's like my best friend (I know they all say that, but since she was always home with me and since my dad has done what he did, we're very close) but we're an odd pair, we don't exchange I love you's, hugs, kisses, honestly, it feels awkward to say I love you or hug her, not just her, it was like that with my dad too, but my mom and dad used to be very affectionate, and I love being affectionate with a boyfriend.

There's no point in me writing this, I don't need a reply, I know everyone has problems, I just needed to talk, get it out. My status on Facebook last night said "There's nobody..." and two people said something to me about it, ironically, the ex-boyfriend who cheated on 5 times and my manager.