There Isn't Anything Anymore

by Liz

I'm 16 and have been depressed for the past 5 years. I feel as though I'll never be happy because I don't even remember what 'happy' feels like. Every day lasts for so long and it's gotten to the point where my entire body will just hurt for days on end during my extremely low periods. I feel as though there is no way out except through suicide, but I can't kill myself because I feel I owe my mom my life. That suicide is too selfish; the guilt stops me from reaching death.

I try to reach out to my four close friends, but they dismiss my obvious cries for help. To them, depression is just who I am, they don't take it seriously. It's like, "Oh, that's just Lizzy, she's always depressed, don't worry, she's fine." It drives me crazy! They know I drink myself to sleep and get alcohol poisoning, they know I smoke pot, they know I wish to die more than anything else in the world. They don't know that I burn and hit myself as a form of self-punishment. But I still wish someone could reach out and help me. But there isn't anything they could do anyways, I suppose. It so frustrating knowing the only people who I am close to and who even understand me a tiny bit are so blind to how horribly, horribly, terribly lonely and in pain I am.

My parents (who are divorced) don't believe in mental illnesses or depression. If I told them I was depressed, they'd say, "stop being weak," "you make your life, and it's your choice to be sad," or "you're a disgrace, you have a roof over your head and food to eat and you're still not satisfied." --And so the guilt increases.

And it's not like I'm a whiny, over-emotional, "look at me I cut myself for attention," brat. (Not saying cutters are brats of course, but you know what I mean). I'm quiet, I keep to myself, I haven't cried in front of someone since 4th grade. This isn't an attention thing. But no one can see that. No one can see how I'm dying inside.