The pain beneath my smile

by Kayla
(Miami)

Hi i am 17 years old going on 18. I had a good childhood unlike a few on here. I was very fortunate but i feel i have a story to tell!!!!Wow! (sighs) i dont know were to even begin. My life feels like hell! I feel like god doesnt love me! Hes punished me and the devil took over! I started to feel this way more since i moved to miami 4years ago. When i moved to miami i felt as if this was going to be great, i felt alive. When i strted freshman year in highschool i felt ugly. I had dark skin and acne, WHO IS GOING TO LIKE ME??!! I felt as if i were alone. My dad and stepmom were busy with there problems that they couldent see my crying out for help. My hell all started when guys started to notice me, and compliment me on how pretty i looked. I began to like this feeling, it was my only escape from the pain i really began felt. I than began to come more and more out the shell. I was still so insecure about myself and hated everything about me EXCEPT MY SMILE! When i smile i feel i stand out and make someone happy if they r sad. thats all i liked about myself was my smile. (anyways back to the story) i remember one day i descided to open up a myspacefor the first time and i took a few pics of myself and put them up! I instantly saw more and more people tell me i looked good! I felt SO GOOD! I wanted more of this! I then started to make friends with everyone! Everyone loved me and i had noproblem with no one! One day after school i was waiting for my dad to pick me up and this boy stopped me and we began to talk about what class did i have and did i kno were a teachers room is. The boy than began to compliment me on how BUETIFUL I WASS! HE LOVED MY SHINY WHITE TEETH! I began to blush! I wasnt really into him but i just felt like i needed someone to talk to, especially someone who already is intrested in me! So we began to talk more and more on myspace and he asked me to be his gf but i rejected cuz my dad would kill me!!! He called me everyday and we talked and talked till we were tired. My dad was fine with it. Until one day he started to spice up the conversation, i didnt know wat to do!!! Soo i just played along not knowing wat exactly i was doing! I felt like i really had someone who loved me for me! A few months later i was lying to my dad and being sneaky just to do what i wanted. I felt as if my dad hated me for some reaeon. He treated me great, but always felt as if i was just a normal teenager going through teenage emotions. One night i was home with my little brother and sister and there was a knock at the door and it was the cable people. They were hear to take the cable box, so i opened the door and let them inn! I know i had no permission to letting theminside this house but idk wat i was thinking. The cable guy came in a took the cable comcast box but also took my dads box that hepaid for. So wen my dad got home i told him wat happend and he was FURIOUS!!!! I SAW THE DEVIL IN HIS EYES AT THAT MOMENT. He was screaming at me at called me a bitch, dummy, idiot, crazy, said he want to sed me to live with my mom. He said he is tired of me!!! I felt terrible! I knew i made a big mistake and i came down on myself very strong! I called myself all those names he called me! I told myself i was an idiot and i deserved to be punished for wat i done. I went inside my room and i took the razor and slit my wrist 6 times!!! I felt soo good wen i saw blood. Then i felt numb and sadder. I had to quicly do something cuz i had blood everywere. My dad was in the kitchen still pist! My stepmom was cleaning. I feel i can talk to my stepmom cuz she understands me at times and she is a warm hearted person like me. I told her wat i had did. I told her i heard voices into leading me into doing this! Which there were. Idk if it was just my voice talking or the actual devil! I felt sooooo bad. My stepmom called my dad into the bathroom and we ended up talking about itt! I felt ashamed! I really did! I sometimes feel all i do is make my dad unhappy i dissapoint him, so why should he keep me around. When i was little he took me away from my mom at the age of 3 because my mom was unfit. I feel of my dad constantly feels this way towards me why did he go through soo much struggle to get full custody of me?? Idk wat i should do PLEASE HELP ME!!! i cant bare to live another day in my skin. I love the way i look now i am very buetiful i have such a glowing brown skin color with a height of a model! I am very pretty alot of guys try to talk to me but i dont care! I am not intrested besides i am unhappy and i will probably creep them out anyways if they ask me can they take me out or something! As of rite now i feel like a zombie! I feel i died along time ago now i am just living to live. I pray to god everyday! Actually i tend to talk to god and pray for everyone every nite and morning. God is the only person as of this point who KNOWS REALLY HOW I FEEL! God is my only Friend. No one knows how i feel or what i been feeling. I just had a dream not to long ago about how i KILLED SOMEONE! i woke up in a cold sweat! I was so scared! It felt soooooo freakin real! (tears began to fall from my eyes) i need help and i am asking for it but my dad and stepmom doesnt beleive me! I am not crazy i never was crazy but NOW I REALLY DID LOOSE MY MENTAL! I am begging god everyday to take me with him were everything is always shinning and things are always perfect! I wanna be happy. The only thing nowadays that brings me happiness is talking to my best friend esther or lina. Ester is a haitian girl who is really relaigious and very smart. Lina is coulumbian a religious girl and is very smart. I too a, smart but i feel as if i were stripped down of everything! I feel i am a old depressed women. I tried to kill myself but i always think of my mom and brother,sisters and family i havent even met! Thats the only thing i look forward too. I look at some people in my high school i feel jealous because they have parents who are happy, and they can talk openly to their parents and go on dates. I wanna be like the adverage teenager! Get good grades, do sports, go to homecoming, go hang with friends, have slumper parties, go on movie dates, drive, and get responsable. I wanna make my own money and be independent! I just cant do that with this extreme weight over my shoulders! Of course you are saying "SNAP OUT OF IT"! but i wish it was that simple! When samantha killed herself, by hanging hanging herself dont you think she had people tell her "JUST SNAP OUT OF IT"?? well i pretty sure she did! But look at her now she is dead! I dont wanna end up in a mental istitute over my mental heath and the things i began to think! I kno i need a doctor to help me! I need help and no one would give it to me because my dad just thinks i am JUST BOY CRAZY! AND I NEED TO STOP THINKING I AM UGLY! Its not that! I hate how i feel like i cant be trusted or how everytime my dad gets mad he hits me or yells to put me down. WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS DOES TO ME????!!!!! I hate it! I feel like punching someone! I feel if i were to go in a boxing ring i would win! I have soo much built up anger inside of me! I feel sooo powerful nd happy one moment thani feel like killing myself! I dont wanna feel like this any longer soooo can you please get me the professional help i need! Please god help me getout of this hole i m in! I need you rite now more than ever.!! I am sorry for everything if i did anything to upet you i am sorry! I just wanna have good luck, life, and happiness again! Please god i am begging you to help me!