The Monster Inside

by Storm
(South Africa)

I'm an adopted child so sometimes I wonder if that could be the main reason for my depression. It's said that infants can sense separation from their mothers. I never thought about my adoption but that could be denial.

I'm 18 years old and was diagnosed when I was 12. I used to be a pretty happy and upbeat child. My nickname was "Sonskyn" which means Sunshine. I grew up in a conservative and very safe home. Still not sure what could have been the trigger.

I honestly can't remember how it happened. It's like a switch went off and I changed into a whole other person. It happened when I was 12. My mom recalls that it happened in a matter of 24 hours. One day Sunshine, the next, Demon child.I became violent. I shouted at my parents for no reason, ran away from school a few times and verbally abused my younger sister. One morning I woke up crying and I just couldn't stop. My mom took me to a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with Bipolar Depression. He gave me meds so I convinced myself that I was "better". That did not turn out to be the case.

The mood swings continued and sometimes things got worse. I tried committing suicide a few times and I became a cutter. I became interested in the occult and was an extremely morbid person. Seeing shrinks didn't help because I bullshitted them and told them what they wanted to hear. I was manipulative and my parents were scared of me. There were moments where I would speak two words and forget what I was saying. Sometimes I would forget that I had even spoken at all. I would sit for hours just staring out in front of me, without saying or doing anything. At the moment it feels like there's a huge hole in my life because I blocked out everything that happened. I subconsciously erased about 6 years of my life.

At age 14 I went to boarding school. Things started getting better, sort of. I was teased because I was a metalhead and because I was fat. The teasing led to anorexia and more cutting. My grades were pathetic and somehow it didn't look like things would ever get better.

Somewhere along the line I decided to do something about my depression. I believe that I'm lucky in a way because I found a shrink who worked for me. She treated me like I was a person and that helped a lot during the process of "making me human again".

That's my story in a nutshell. I'm still a metalhead, still interested in the bizarre and I'm still having problems with my weight. I didn't change myself completely, only my outlook on life, even though I still struggle with it everyday. I still feel like cutting sometimes and I still get the downs but I'm learning to cope with it. I'm always going to be partially morbid and a bit suicidal sometimes. I'm not ashamed of my scars because they remind me of the person I used to be and of the person I am today.

I experience a lot of feelings of guilt because my sister was diagnosed with depression a few years ago. I feel responsible because of all the things I put her through. It scares me knowing that I'm possibly one of the causes of my sister's emotional disturbance. I love, and sometimes "dislike", her and wish that I could have been a better role-model. Life just sucks that way and I'll just have to learn to roll with the punches.