The hell im living maybe u can understand it

by Claudia
(york,pa)

I feel so alone and sad and depressed i feel helpless, neglected, mistreated, abused in 3 ways (sexually, physically, emotionally). Lately I have been having so many problems at home its not me who causes but my mother shes just crazy idk what to do anymore.

When I was growing up my father violated me something i never told anyone expect to rely close friends who went through the same thing. Then when my father left my mom started hitting me a lot we would end up getting in fights more and more and she would hit me more and more till one day she hit me with an iron pole she bruised up my entire right leg on the side it was purple she burned me once before she threatens to send me back to my home country everyday she's always yelling and bossing me around she lies to my family and tells them i do illegal stuff like drugs and i dont trust me i would never do that i think its for stupid morons. She tells me all the time that i should kill myself no one wants me and that she doesnt need me that im stupid and retarded and she tells me siblings that im a psychopath which im not ): she accuses me of lying all the time i admit i do from time to time who doesn't? But if anyone knows me they know im pretty honest well more like blunt.

I just cant stand her anymore im going crazy inside my head wanting to kill myself everyday or for something to kill her. I have no privacy in my house the door in my room always has to be open she always hovers over my shoulder when im online. She doesnt buy me anything literally the only time is christmas no joke. She wont even give me a dollar a stinken dollar. I feel so alone and bored at home im always trapped in here never allowed to go outside unless i do a million chores. I have to always take care of my sibs my size who is 2 n bro who is 7 like everyday i feed them,take care of them im practically racing them n i dont want to i want to be able to go outside hang with my friends which i rarely do. She wont even get cable for us or internet( i get wifi from some network) yet she pays for my aunts internet and she always buys my sibs anything i rarely get anything like shoes for school thats the only pair shes bought me in the past 2 or 3years. Im so tired i feel alone im not allowed to do anything unless she criticizes i feel hopeless like im going no where i hate her shes ruined my life i want a normal teenage life but no not even that my childhood feels like it was stolen from me. All this responsibility and she says i do nothing when i do so much she just doesnt see it. Ik im complaining but i feel like i have all the right in the world through the hell ive been through..

My grades arent the best im Mexican and i move here when i was 7. how many ppl learn a new language and make new friends and get good grades still and oh take care of there sibs? I just want freedom some privacy but no i want to take my life i feel like its going nowhere i feel so desperate to be loved because i just dont have any love here. I only have some family here all my families in Mexico they are the ones that love me. idk what to do anymore i feel like somehow everything my fault ive asked myself WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG? THROUGH GO THROUGH SO MUCH DAMN PAIN!!! any comments would be helpful (: