tears of pain

by bella
(united states arizona tuscon)

Hi, my name is Bella and I'm 11 years old i live in Arizona. and my life seems 2 be a night mare. c my parents have been divorced since i was born...and i use 2 live with my mom but then she stared 2 have a drinking problem..and then would start 2 abuse me..then my dad found out and called CPS which is child protective Services, and i was only 7 and my brother was a new born. and i started 2 notice a different behavior in my mom...c i didn't know about the whole cps situation. then i remembered my dad saying i was gonna live with him 4ever. i was happy cuz my mom would abuse me. then i had 2 go get my stuff and my mom looked me in the eye and said i'm so sorry mija. i stayed silent. but then years went by and it stared 2 get frustrating living with my dad...and i thought my mom was getting better, but then i met her new boyfriend danny he was bad news he did drugs and drank a lot of beer. then i walked into my moms house and i saw drugs on the table so i told my dad and then thats when he told me that cps had been in session.

it was going on for awhile now (years.) then my brother moved away with his dad and i don't get to see him. but when i do see him i get mad and i don't want 2 talk 2 him...cuz i know i'm gonna have 2 say bye again. and my parents talk bout each other all the time and my mom is even working or at the bar and by dad is always mad and working. i think about killing my self all the time but i'm 2 scared 2 do it. i still live with my dad and it's so hard my mom is trying 2 get better and i haven't seen my baby brother in 3 months...life sucks right now! plz help......and what i'm afraid of is if i lose my mom i'm going with her cuz i have trouble sleeping at night without her but if she dies…i'm screwed. cuz she might get sick cuz of the drinking she does.and up 2 day my moms "boyfriend' is now her husband! :(and i keep praying but it seems like god has a line and i'm at the end and people keep cutting. but i have been depressed 4 years.help