Stolen Innocence

(Calgary, Alberta, Canada)

From the age of 6 until 9 years old i was sexually assaulted on a very regular basis by my brothers best friend (who was also my foster brother during this time). I didn't have the courage at the time to tell anyone because of the many things he said to me, to stop me from telling. It only stopped when we moved to a different city without him. During the time of the sexual assault I began binge eating to make myself undesirable to him although it didn't end up helping.

When we moved, I was also put into a new school, I went from a school with almost no bullying to a school with tons of bullying, and I became the favorite target. I would be emotionally, mentally, and physically bullied on a day to day basis, sometimes with enough severity that I would feel the need to sneak into my own home to change and clean up before I let my parents see me.

Around that time, when I was between 9 and 10 years old I started getting into a lot of toxic relationships with people, who at the time I believed to be my friends, but really they only used me to get things they wanted. I went along with it because I didn't want to be alone. Before I was 10 years old I began dosing (taking unnecessary medication)and cutting. In gr.8 I felt I could no longer handle what was happening to me, and I started collecting pills, as well as a number of objects to cut with, and had a large collection of these hidden in my room. I waited until a night when I knew my parents were going out, and would be out late. I was going to take all the pills (I had a large amount of advil, tylenol, and other meds) and then I was going to slit my wrists as deep as I could if that didn't work.

I got lucky, that evening, while my parents were getting ready, I met the person who saved my life. I walked to the playground across the street, and there was a girl there, who started talking with me, and we got along incredibly well. She invited me to hang out with her the next day. Thats what saved my life. I went home and put off taking my life, because I decided to give her a chance, see if I could make a real friend for once. The next day we hung out, and made more plans, and the plans continued out into the weeks ahead. Within a few months of meeting her, I wasn't cutting anymore, and a few months after that I wasn't dosing anymore either. She was (and still is) my guardian angel, and in many ways more of a sister then a friend.

I did well for a few years, but around the middle of gr.10 I started having very strong panic/ anxiety attacks on a regular basis. I wanted to return to the cutting and self harm to give me relief but I tried very hard not to. In about gr.11 I started cutting occasionally again, I didn't think I'd ever do it often again, but it seemed to me a good way to cope when I couldn't seem to cope any other way. After high school finished I was still cutting again, and I kept cutting on an on and off basis for months until Feb 3rd 2010. That is the last time I cut. The man who is now my Fiancee is who saved me this time. I was back to being ready to end it all, and I'd been cutting often, and getting more and more vicious about it, and he found out and started calling me and talking with me all the time, and making trips to my house when he found out I was on my own. I was so close to giving in and doing my best to end it, he came over when I stopped answering his texts. He took the knife out of my hand and held me for hours while the tears fell. Every time I have been tempted since, he has helped me not do it.

My two best friends, and my Fiancee all do their best to help me, keep me distracted when I want to cut again, and help me avoid the temptation to cut. I am over a year without cutting now, but the urge still comes very often for me. I have to fight many times every week just to keep myself from relapsing again. Its a tough fight, but one I will continue to fight for the people I love, and for the people who love me.

I hope people who read this think twice about going through with cutting, its a dark path, and one that is very hard to get off of. If you are thinking about cutting, go talk to someone, at very least a trusted friend, a counselor or therapist if you feel able to is even better. And to the other cutters and former cutters out there who read this, be strong, take deep breaths, and remember that you are not alone. You are never alone, no matter how much it may feel that way.