Should I be Ashamed

by Deanna
(Orlando, Fl.)

I’m a 13 year old girl, and I’m a cocaine baby. I have some issues. I like to cut myself, I’m thin but I still like to starve ,myself so I can get thinner, pulse I am suicidal the only reason I’m still here is for my adopted mother (she takes even the smallest things hard, I really don’t want to hurt her.). I do wonna get help but I’m really ashamed of what I do. Since I’m adopted I don’t get to see my birth mom, or my real family a lot. I have no idea who my father is. My closes blood related uncle killed himself last year. I’m still depressed from it. And on my birthday this past year, my birth mother practically said that she doesn’t even care for me. The rest of my blood related family is CRAZY (I’m not exaggerating!) they broke in my house, just because we didn’t want to see them anymore.

I don’t like to talk to anyone about my problems, but sometimes it seems as if my problems are consuming me. I don’t know what friend I trust enough to tell. Since I’m a cocaine baby I don’t like to be touched. My friend, Kesha said that I need to start hugging my adopted mother more, for all she does for me. And of course I know that, I’m not an idiot! But I don’t like to get close to anyone, cause every time I do they either die or I lose them. I know this sounds weird but I get close to a person from afar. I do love my adopted mother but if I lose one more person that I love, honestly I don’t know what I’ll do.

See when I cut myself I like it and it makes me think of the pain of my cut, not of what’s in my heart or mind. And I’ve been called fat from a very young age and some of my friends even call me fat. But my Doc. says that I’m the perfect wait. I’m a size 2 in bottoms and a medium for tops. I’m not suicidal as I used to be. Still I cut myself every day it’s become a habit for me. I cut myself at least five times a day. And there is a lot more in my life but if I wrote it all down, I might as well write three books. Most of the time, I have to act at home, church and my friend’s house. I’m just so depressed that I basically I have to act all day unless I’m in my bedroom. I want to get help, and I don’t want help.

Am I a freak? I know that this is not normal. Should I be ashamed? I feel/am so lost. Sometimes I feel like I’m alone, no one cares, or takes the time to even ask me what’s going on. Almost every night I cry myself to sleep, because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what might happen tomorrow, will someone find out that I cut, or will I just have enough and kill myself.

Please e-mail me what you think, I really want to know what you think. DeAnna9829@gmail.com