Razor Blades and Vomit with a Hint of Suicide

by Monique
(Washington)

So this is my story. I've never had the guts to spill my life out to anyone (except my therapist) so i thought doing so over the internet would be a better idea. I really hope someone will be able to take something positive away from this.

So here goes nothing: My name is Monique and I am 15 years old. My Mom and Dad were married when my gave birth to me, but they split up when I was about 3 or 4 years old. I went to live with my Grandmother on my Dad's side along with my two other sisters who had the same parents. While we were living there we got used to calling her Mom and her husband Dad. They became out parents since our Mom didn't visit often and my Dad went to jail. They had already had a child that they adopted who was 7 years older than me. I felt like he was my brother and I was really close to him. When I was around 7 or 8 years old, he molested me. It went on until I was about 10 and then my Grandma's husband found out. I got in trouble for it. Shortly after he turned 19, he was kicked out of the house.

During thoes years I had been dieting (since I was a overweight when I was younger). I was about 10 when I started taking diet pills. It worked since I got down from a size 16 to an 11, but I didn't see the change. I still felt big and I hated it. Everyone kept complementing on how good I looked, but I still saw the same girl in the mirror. It was like I didn't even lose any weight. My Grandma would get angry with me and call me fat lazy and then when I cryed she would call me ugly. I love her but she was always so mean to me. When I was about 14, I had a crazy thought7 that I wanted to throw up me food so I wouldn't get fat again.

AT the time I didn't realize it, but now that I'm older I see that I am TERRIFIED of gaining weight. So one day after I got done eating my dinner, I went into the bathroom and threw up. The feeling it gave me was so calming and reassuring that I couldn't stop. I loved feeling in control of what I did. I felt powerful. No one else knew what I was doing, and if they did they didn't say anything. I would search online for tips and tricks on how to throw up without anyone hearing, what kinds of food is easiest to purge and how I can mask the smell of vomit. I knew it was wrong, but I knew that my sisters did worse things than me like smoking and getting bad grades so I just thought it didn't matter what I did since I got good grades. I felt so alone because I was never able to click with my sisters the way they did.

On August 15, my grandmother died. Everything was so thrown out of place and I felt even more lost. That's when I remebered my friend telling me about how cutting herself calms her down. So I decided to try it. Two small cuts on my left thigh quickly turned into 34 scars all over both of my thighs. I didn't care at the time where I put them. I just needed to cut. Soon cutting and throwing up controled my life. I still got good grade but my life at home went down the toilet along with my dinner. I argued constantly with my "Dad" and I would just lock myself in my room and not talk to anyone.

My Aunt set up a therapist for me and I really do like her, but it just feels like she doesn't get what I'm telling. She says that I need to look at other peoples problems as well, that I'm not the only one with problems. I understand that but I just don't know what do to about them. I can't help other people because I can't stop having mental break downs for 2 seconds to say high. My mood is always changing from hyper and happy to suicidal and sad. When I am neutral then I start to think about everything that's happened and I get sad again. There have been so many nights where I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up because I'm so tired. I'm so scared to be around guys because I feel like they're secretly judging me so I feel like I'm going to spend my life alone because no one could ever like me, let alone love me. I almost came to tears when my gym teacher made us play with the guys group. They just make me so uncomfortable to be around because I feel that they're looking at my body. If I could get fixed that would be a miracle but I don't think it'll ever happen. getting through a day just seems so hard because I always have that thought of killing myself in the back of my mind. I tell other people that the shouldn't kill themselves or they shouldn't cut and throw up because it's bad and I love them a lot. I can't tell if I'm getting better or worse. I'll be on the computer and then without even thinking about it, I'll look up ways to starve or kill my self or what I could use to cut myself.

It's like my brain already knows what I want. It's a terrible habit. That's how I got to this website so I suppose it's not all bad. I'm so desperate to cut myself that I even took a blade out of my pencil sharpener. It's extremly dull, but with enough pressure, it'll get the job done. To anyone who reads this I want you to know that if you're bulimic or a cutter and thinking about ending it all, I love you. I know I don't know you, but if you're going through the same things I am then I totally understand and I'm sorry I can't make things better. I have hope for other people but never for me. I feel like I'm to far down the wrong road to turn around now. But maybe there will be a day where I don't want to throw up or cut anymore. That day seems very far away, but maybe with time, it'll happen.
Love, Monique :)