Pure self hatred

by Douglas
(Australia)

Anxious about everything since the age of 5. Felt I was always put down by my parents. Bullied and teased right throughout school. I have a face that looks like I am constantly anxious, a psychiatrist finally explained it to me a few years ago and it made sense why I was always picked on. I was an obvious easy target. Depression for started smack bang at the start or our final exams in high school, the exams that really mattered and would determine if we went to uni or not. I couldn't concentrate at all and my marks went right down. I just scraped though and graduated year 12. Girlfriend dumped me after seeing someone else for two weeks. Lost all my friends, didn't think I had any anyway.
Never had any luck with girls. I was always shy and introverted and lacked confidence. After school I had a string of girls turn nasty on me.
So i got trapped in a downward spiral of my self esteem and confidence getting lower and lower and relationships with girls and work prospects getting farther and farther away.
Failed at studying at TAFE. Never could get on with my mum or sister.
Had a good job once but I had to leave due to an injury. That's when I felt I had it all together. Living in a great environment away from home. I had little debt.
Then I took out a reasonable size loan for a better work vehicle then I got injured and I had to leave. The car turned out to be an absolute lemon.
I am halfway through that debt but the repayments have caused enormous hardship. So of course with that stress has come major depression.
I have always felt I have just been a pain in the ass to everyone. I just can't seem to get on with anyone. Well I do but friendships don't seem to last long. So again I seem to be in a downward spiral as more and more people want less and less to do with me and I become more depressed.
I understand I need to be happy in myself then people will want to be with me.
Just quit a job after three years a month ago due to stress, it was in retail and I felt I was always being put down.
Don't want to go into too much detail but I can't see my mum and dog for another year and a half.
That's right, it's not what happens to you but how you deal with things. I find it hard to see the glass half full attitude when you just keep failing with people and work.
This world is for extroverts. I am of no use to anyone. I am 32 years old now. Pretty hard to see hope for relationships and work. There is no point to me getting up every morning. I am bored with everything. I don't get joy out of anything.
I know I live in the best place in the world but I can't convince myself. I know I have it real good and easy, but sure doesn't feel like it.