Nobody Understands Me

by Jasmin
(Finland)

Im 13 year old girl who is completely misundrestood. I draw bloody pictures, listen to music because i like it, but also because it eases the pain i feel. I am horribly stressed because of school, my friends arent with me at school , they left me for a group of strangers which i didnt know. I feel so left alone . Everyday in school i imagine how i kill everyone inside of my head. I fight alot with my parents because of normal things but because im very sensitive, after every argument i burst into tears. I have a very low self-esteem and because of that i mock myself all the time , at school i try to walk head down because im afraid of peoples eyes. those eyes that just stare at my ugly body when theirs seem perfect to me. I have also realised that i dont eat alot. Even if im hungry i dont seem to care. Even if im full my hands are cold and i dont feel energetic.
Once when my self-esteem was down on the bottom plus stress, I almost cut my wrist with a sharp knife.

Of course the only one who I told about this was my ¨best¨ friend but she said she had tried it too and it wasn't a big deal, well then i told my other friend and she said don't do it and thats about it. After this both of them just went happily and care-free to their group. i was left there all alone without support.

So i tried to remind my friend almost everyday how i hate life so she would give me advice cause i was way too afraid to ask straight for some reason. and then one day she got up and yelled at me "GOD YOUR SUCH A HYPOCRITE , WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP ALREADY I DONT CARE HOW MUCH YOU HATE LIFE SO STOP WHIMPERING ABOUT IT" and then she just left. once again i bursted into tears.

And finally i asked my mother if i could talk to someone but i didn't tell her about the little suicide moment i had. so she send me to our school curator , i went there for about 2 times but i still couldn't tell her about the knife incident. So she told me i was completely normal. I didn't understand anything anymore.

After that i thought: "I cry over 4 times in month, think about murdering people everyday, tried to cut myself, i don't eat a lot, every dream or nightmare i have there is always at least one human that dies. ,and she can call me normal." i felt the rage inside me growing. And in the end i decided i wont trust people, not anymore. What am i supposed to do?
( sorry my english isn't too good )