No Light at the End of the Tunnel

by Nathan
(United Kingdom)

My Name's Nathan, I'm 18 and I've suffered depression on and off for several years, but it's gotten a lot worse lately, i spend everyday writing lists of which friends will miss me and which friends won't if i was to kill myself, i tried overdosing once and i bite my hands, scratch my arms and cut the palms of my hands.

I feel useless to my friends all the time, i overreact if someone doesn't reply to my text's straight away and i'm always convinced that the slightest change in how someone talk's to me means they hate me.

I'm shut in all day doing nothing but watching tv, playing my xbox and going on the internet, my friends never seem to contact me and ask if i want to do anything, i've lost all patience with life and just want it to be over.

I'm 18. never had a girlfriend, never been kissed, i'm fat, short, don't sleep and have recently stopped eating as frequently. I feel like a burden to everyone, so long as my friends are around i can put a fun face on it but i still feel down, i try to convince myself i should be happy but i have no future prospects and nothing to look forward too, my university course was discontinued so i now have to do another year of college, i'm on a course where i know no one else, i don't know if i want to go to university. I constantly feel like i'm being laughed at, i don't like talk about my problems with my friends because i don't want to burden them, but then i get annoyed because no one ask's whats wrong.
I feel like my life is just one bad event after another, i'm in love with a girl who's basically told me she'd never be interested, i found this out, then had to endure a 3 day holiday with her and another friend.

I like this other girl but can't get over the one i'm obsessed with, i recently realized i hate my dad and have wasted the last few years spending time with him.

I just find there's no one i can talk to at the times when i really need to and need some help urgently :/