My mind is no longer my friend...

by Cassie
(ottawa ontario canada)

My name is Cassie, and for the past year my life has been gradually getting perfect. My boyfriend was the most amazing person in the world, he really truly loved me, cared for me, protected me...everything. It was unreal, I could hardly believe it myself at times.

Sometimes we got into fights, but the bad times were always worth how amazingly blissful the good ones felt. it was our one year in the middle of august, i couldn't be happier. we had grown and matured, learned from each other, we had gone through many events and hardships, i think of how much i loved him, and how i'd do anything for him. the best part, was that the feeling was mutual.

a week later he broke up with me, and i still don't fully understand... some of his reasons are somewhat plausible, but my mind doesn't register, it only lets me weep and question everything about my life, letting me spiral uncontrollably into a very dark and dangerous place of my mind...delusion, hysteria...insanity

I was so convicted we would always be together, when I looked into your tear filled eyes that one dreadful night, you mouthed those words to me, the ones that blare into my mind at night and make me screech in pain from the inside.('this may come as a surprise to you, but I have to breakup with you…') My heart is broken, my insides are frozen…my mind is no longer my friend…nasty thoughts creep up; taunt my sanity with their dirty games. I do not know where I am, I am lost in this world unknown, this world without you. I didn’t realize how different things are when you are no longer at my sides…I don’t want to move I don’t want to hear, I don’t want to see, all my senses are now against me. Each one attacks me with sounds, images, tastes that remind me constantly of the one to whom I had given myself entirely. I am lost, in a wide ocean of oblivion, they say I’ll get over it and that it’s just a matter of time, and although the pain drives me insane part of me doesn’t want to get better. For this pain is the only thing left of the once beautiful relationship that had made me as happy as could be, this pain is the wilted petals of our love…the one you share with me not, the one you threw away along with my heart. Perhaps you didn’t mean to hurt me, I believe you. You have done more for me then any one ever has, but you have now also hurt more than I’ve ever been able to bear. Sleepless nights come crawling back, anxiety stalks me like a predator in the dead of night, new thoughts erupt like volcanoes in my core, my mind seems far away, distant, and my thoughts are mine no more. I fall into breakdowns I crawl on the floor, I scream and shout but you're no longer at my door…

I’m alone and left with no one to tell all of my feelings, my hopes and dreams, my fears my regrets and my deepest secrets…I'm left alone, and I don't know what I may do next, I no longer control the reasonable side of me.