My Life

by Anonymous

im depressed and i dont even know the reason why. it just kinda started when i was heartbroken. i got over it pretty easy but i never got over they boy himself. then more bad things happened. i got pissed off often and irritated at my friends. soon, i was creating worlds in my own head about how i wanted my life to truly be. i always had the urge to ignore everyone that tried talking to me, but i didnt want them to bug me about what was wrong. i lost all interest in things that made me happy. my mouth no longer formed a real genuine smile. my chest hurted and i found it hard to breathe. i was depressed and started looking for ways to kill myself online. when i couldn't find any, i stumbled onto this site. i realized that what i really wanted was to tell someone how i felt and for them to listen without laughing. i couldn't trust anyone and i was scared to convey my feelings. at school, i always put on a fake smile and pretend my life is all perfect. i let people throw me around and i acted like i didn't have a care in the world. i found myself frequently creating suicide scenarios in my head. what i realized was that in my scenarios i never really ended up disappearing forever. i either came back as an angel or lay in a coma while people cried for me. i know it sounds stupid but what i really wanted was for someone to love and understand me. i wanted to speak all my secrets to someone without any fear of being teased at. i knew that i couldn't do this so i gave up all my hope. even at bad times, i started to give up caring. i didn't care about school, life, nor time. my grades slowly dropped and my life was slipping away. at last i gave up, i started a diary writing all my horrible depressing feelings down hoping it would make me feel better. never less, my depression started getting deeper and deeper. everytime something happened, i would blame myself for being alive in the first place. i apoligized to people in my mind. i'm sorry for being alive, for taking away someone's life isntead of mine. i felt guilt no matter what i did and nothing made me feel better. one morning, i took a jar of pills off the counter and took about 13 of them. i waited the whole day, but nothing happened. i didn't feel more drowsiness than i usually felt. it pissed me off that i wasn't dead yet. i wanted everyone to cry for me and realize what jerks they were. i didn't care if they felt broken inside. the only one i truly cared about was my dad. when i went on internet to look for more ways of suicide, i found suicide help instead. after reading a few suicide "hopes" i started crying. they related to my life so much. my history teacher had given me a bible a day ago. the bible highlighted passages of hope and i took a chance in reading some of it. as i slowly saw the words of how God loved us and would never stop thinking about us, it brought tears to my eyes even more. i just wanted someone to love me. is it that wrong? i want to share my story with someone. i want someone to comfort me. im lonely and im scared. i have tons of people around me telling me that they love me, but ive gone too far in depression to turn back. i wonder if ill live long enough to find true happiness in my life....