My Dad Died

My dad died about three years ago and since then I've changed completely I was 11 years old when he died so I don't know if I've changed because he died or because I just grew up. A year after his death I became extremely depressed and started cutting myself I did it for about three years and I was addicted to doing it, I guess I did it because I wanted to punish myself I couldn't cry and I wouldn't show emotion to his death so I thought by cutting I guess I could go through the pain I deserved I mean shouldn't I be wrecked if my father has just died? I stopped cutting because i became very content with my life but lately I've been getting very depressed i just started high school and everything is fine i have friends my grades are good but for some reason I'm still not happy, and every time i feel sad i want to cut again but i don't because i don't want to deal with hiding the cuts or peoples reactions when they see them.A few of my old friends know i used to cut myself and most of them tried cutting themselves too and i felt like it was all my fault so I'm scared that if anyone else finds out they'll do the same. Some times I feel like I'm supposed to have a fucked up life like I'm supposed to be a fucked up druggie who cuts them self with no life I don't know why I feel this way but it sucks! I don't know if I should just give up and get into hard drugs and just end my life or hope things will change and continue pretending everything's fine.