Mistake of life

by Kate
(Somewhere)

It all started back when I was still twelve. I just entered middle school and I could cope with my new school and made myself new friends.

But that year, something changed in me, my feelings towards life changed so much and now I feel the same as four years ago; I am actually 16. I have been struggling with depression since four years now and I don't forget anything from the past. I still could remember the days when I would start taking in some pills just to hurt myself, unlucky for me it didn't change anything. I then decided to try another tactic, banging my head using my fist had became something I did almost everyday and I always ended up with bumps on my forehead that I then needed to hide using my bang.

The days went by and I cried mostly everyday for no apparent reason always thinking about suicide and those kinds of things. I started a diary back in 2006 where I could write my thoughts towards life and the daily problems I needed to go through. It helped actually but it was not enough somewhere, one year later my depression has gotten even worse. That year I started to see the counselor of my school, I went to a psychologist then a psychiatrist who gave me antidepressants. These antidepressants actually helped me somewhere, my suicidal thoughts were fading away little by little but still I could feel the deep sadness that was inside of me. Adding to that, I started getting bullied by some guys at school in 2007, they were just joking around I guess, but it truly hurt me. And from this moment, every little problem I had became a much bigger problem for me.

I wish I could change myself, but I care too much and get too easily upset. That same year, I stopped going to school for one month so that I could recover from my distress a bit and it helped. Seeing my friends caring so much for me made me cry so much. Months went by, I had my first love and lost it also, it crushed me down still thinking today that he was the only one I truly loved. My days were getting longer and longer, this time I started banging my head against the wall and cutting myself using a mathematical instrument. This may sound funny but it didn't hurt me in any way. I did not bleed, but I still got bumps on my forehead.

I was able to spend some good moments in 2008, even in 2009 but nothing really changed in my way of seeing life. I constantly cried, wondering if one day those tears would stop but they never did. Adding up to that, the only one who could listen to me for hours and hours was my sister, but when she went abroad to pursue her studies, I felt like everything was falling apart. Who would listen to my problems all night long and give me advices of how I should react? Who? Yes, there's my mum, but I sometimes feel like she doesn't care, and that the sadness in me is only temporary to her. I know how much she loves me and sometimes I just don't want to talk to her about my problems because I just don't want her to be hurt again; as she also went through depression some years back when I was still seven or eight.

We are in 2010 actually, and I am writing this with the same feelings and emotions as yesterday. This year I changed my self-harm by cutting myself with a cutter. This time it bled…it bled so much sometimes it did not want to stop. Still today there are the scars on the bottom of my thigh left, no one would see them there. That's why I cut myself there but then I realize, I will not be able to put myself into a swimsuit for a very long time because of these marks. I tried many things to die; using a rope, a plastic bag, and other sorts of things but today I am however still alive and still wondering what will happen to me tomorrow. I hate myself and I strongly believe that I was a mistake of life. I don't deserve to be there if my days only resume to complain and complain and cries.

I am tired of crying daily, I am tired to not being able to sleep at night because I am busy crying wondering why I am still there. And then I saw this quote yesterday saying "Crying isn't showing weakness..It's showing you've been strong for too long". And that's exactly what I am feeling right now. I really hope to be able to get through this as soon as possible but somewhere I don't think that I can be saved anymore.