Mask

by Meaghan
(Walnut Creek, CA)

2 1/2 years and still counting of slashing my arm with a God Damn razor blade. i'd been hearing the voices since i was small, but they began to pressure me. it sounds crazy, but maybe i just am. i needed to get them out but how. i cut in the 7th grade then continues and now i'm in 9th grade. i was always called stupid, worthless and ugly. i ignored them but the voices use that. they make me think that and i can't stop. when i cut, i am a different person. i never cry and all i want is to go deeper. people found out. i told them i quit but some found out again. they keep telling me to stop, but why? i have no point. sometimes i just want to slash my wrists and finish it. i've not only been having conflict with friends but also spiritually. sometimes i think God is just out to get me. like i'm his puppet that he wants to play with until it breaks. sometimes i think i'm Wiccan. i seems nice, and i like it but i believe in God. religion is so confusing! i have become an addict and i know i need help but i just think they're going to tell my parents and they will kick me out or force me to quit. they'd take the razors and i'd kill myself. i have so much stress and so much insanity in my head. it's like Hamlet. a million thoughts just running through my head. "to be or not to be" i have asked myself that question far to often. not a day goes by that i don't consider suicide. not hat i'd ever do it. i think it's a cowards way out. not that it's not appealing. i cut so much and i see the scars. i cut on my left arm, my sides, and recently my legs. my mom knows but doesn't say. she stares but has never confronted me. i have created my own false reality. i hate people and yet i want to be touched. i just need a hug. i put up a mask of fake and don't let it down in front of people. i cry a lot. but no tears come so it's dry sobs. the mask no one has seen through. the mask i want to take down, but i'm scared the mask i want to be gone. i just want to cry one someones shoulder. i want them to not be freaked out by me. i need them to make the move to comfort me. to hug me and listen. i'm shit scared and just want to run but i can't. i want to cry but its dry. i want to be free but i'm addicted. i want help but where is it? i need help but no ones coming. and i'm scared.