Lost

by Thalia
(Seattle, WA, USA )

I'm 13 years old, and it's been a year since my last suicide attempt, it's been a year since I seemed to act like a 5 year old with a bad tantrum.

I've been working on making myself busy, with some avail. I do my best in school & try to make everyone happy. At least 3 weeks ago I was in a 3 week relationship, simple puppy love they say. But it's made me changed. Seems like I can't move on. All I could do is write poetry, to ease my pain. But then my father got sick, and still is. My family only now has one member working. I've been having horrible dreams of death of those I care for, my eyes open to how much I seem to not be needed in this world. One of my old friends says she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. It hurts for me to say but mostly people like her, of her group, I can more then welcomely say I really hate.

They say things like they are depressed and can't talk to anyone about it. And try to prove a point they are suffering more then I am, and I let them do it. As they boost their self esteem, my getters lower. I think I complain to much, and say sorry for everything wrong I have done and not done. I get the feeling no one believes in me, and no one really cares. My parents think I'm happy and a good student, but I truthfully never want to be home, or at school anymore. I find the consular's room at school the most comfortable place to be, besides the library. I feel like I've isolated the world and that no matter how nice I am, and no matter how much I try, i'll never be excepted. It's not just that I think people would except me, but I feel like I wont be able to except them too. Cause I can't except even myself! Once in a while, something in me would trigger this angry little 5 year old me, that would just pop up and start acting like a brat. Like one who wants attention and to get her way.

Maybe that's what I really want but am lacking, maybe inside of me i'm missing something that I really want but I just can't have. At school, I was a nobody, but then my heart took over and I started getting involved. It wasn't much for me to say, about it all, but I just felt like I had to do it. But lately I feel like I put others before my well being and that I should at least pay more attention to myself at least once in a while.I can't say that I have been listening to myself, and doing the necessary things for school. My parents want me to be a lawyer, yet I want to be a singer. But no one I know actually will support me. All I got where bad comments. Thats when I stopped my dream to be a singer, and even playing the violin. I feel like I should quit choir, cause now I've been lip singing. I feel like I lost all my faith, my hope for love, and appreciation. I feel lost, and I feel like no one is there to help me. I feel like no one is even there to watch me. I feel so alien, to everyone. They think i'm changing, and they think I should go back to the old me.

I can't really change to who i'm becoming, is life right? But lately, it's getting to me, my moods are constantly changing, i'm getting irritated way to easily, and I just feel like I don't need friends. And I feel like no one wants to take interest in who I am. They pity me, and I feel so low in life, sometimes I feel like it's not even worth living. No one really knows how I feel till now, cause I hid the truth with lies, from my friends and family.

I just can't seem to find a haven for me to tell my every living thought to.I wish I did, and I found one somewhat like it, like this. But I do feel good writing it in summary, here.