Lost my focus, lost who I am, nothing seems to fit

by Brandon
(California)

It is very difficult to begin my story, mainly because I wouldl probably bore the death out of anyone who read this, but ill try anyway.
Ive found that at 21 years old, I feel like ive accomplished nothing, have a bad transcript in junior college, and Im on my way to making nothing out of myself. Ever since I was young I thought that when I got older, I would be a fireman just like my dad and follow in his footsteps. Fast forward to now and I work part time, go to school part time, and really feel like im stuck in mud and nothing is getting better.
I realized that my personality is nothing like what is required to be a firefighter. I cant live up to my dads expectations. Over time I have discovered that on a small scale ive dissapointed them, because at my age both my parents had great jobs. Even my two older sisters both have degrees in criminal justice and kinesiology. I have an EMT-B certificate under my belt and after 2 years of attempting to get a job, It didnt happen. I feel that my moms friends brag about their children and my mom cant say anything about me because ive done nothing worth talking about. Ive changed what I wanted to study many times, from fire science, to biology, to history.
Everyone always said you dont need to know what you want to do in junior college, youll figure it out. Ive never had that realization or heard the calling. Im seriously debating just joining the marines so I can leave my town and make something of myself because I cant seem to do anything right. My girlfriend is the only source of happiness I have, and the only time I get sad or cry, is when we fight because I am numb to everything else, family problems etc... I thought working in healthcare would be good for me because I am good at being detached. Part of that I think comes from hearing my dad tell me gruesome stories or hearing on the scanner we had all the crashes and deaths that happened on a day to day basis. I never knew these people and I was fine with that. Im gonna end my ramblings with this, I dont feel a drive or push to go anywhere in life, I cant follow through with anything and I really feel like I was a failure to everyone who knows me. I can hardly handle my constant feeling of worthlessness because everytime I sign up for classes, I try to tell myself Im gonna do good, but i end up scraping by with so so grades.
The only time I can find myself happy, is when I am in a gym by myself, or in a karate or mma class where I can take my mind off everything and everyone else and just focus on the now. I want to break this cycle and I feel like the key is figuring out what I want to do with a career and accomplish something.
I could be totally wrong and I probably am considering Ive totally lost touch with myself anyways.