im so lonely

by Erika
(Castleconnel, Co Limerick, Ireland)

me and one of the kids i mind

well, hi... uh i feel a bit stupid now, but anyways... im 22, came from Szeged, Hungary, have been livin in Ireland since november 2006.
ive always been the person who never know what she wants to achieve or do... only goin with the flow. at home i attended an economics school, never studied too hard, but always been a good student. always tried to find my place within the class, never had too many friends. I tried to commit suicide at the first time, when i was 15. I dont really remember the reason, i can see myself as i sat on the bus to home after school, it was only about the 5th week of first class in high school. and i lost my student id card, with my bus pass... my mom was mad, roared at me on the phone... then i just sat in silence on the bus. walked home from the bus stop, so slow. i felt so useless. then just came the thought, and i got the box from the kitchen, full of medicines. i took as much as i could. then just lied on my bed, waiting for falling asleep and die. took about five minutes, when i jumped out of the bed, ran downstairs, out to the street, shoutin for my mam, and screamin that i dont want to die...
a year later came the second attempt. my boyfriend at the time cheated on me, and wanted to leave me... so i grabbed the kitchen knife, locked all the doors around me, and wanted to cut my veins on my wrist... the next door neighbour came for my rescue, he was 18 at the time, and broke the window in... i havent had any attepmts since then, but i always liked to fantasies about what would happen if i die, how would i do it. yea, probably its sick, but i dont care. i do like to do it. makes me feel better, that if id die, probably the world would notice me... or i dont know. i feel alone. especially since im here in ireland. it was always my big dream to leave Hungary. I am an au pair, minding kids. id like to do something else, i just dont feel myself good enough, and im scared to try to get an other job, because i dont want to let down the family i live with. I have a boyfriend, we are toghether since last april. ive met him on the internet, i used to live in dublin at that time, and didnt know anybody around, felt so alone, so i signed up to a dating site. it was so strange to meet him, because i had never answered to mails what came from somebody who didnt have a picture, or lived outside of dublin.. well, he didnt have a picture, and lives in Limerick, and i answered... we started to chat. then finally he came up to dublin one saturday, and we met. it was really strange, he didnt really looked like my kind of fella, and i kept noticing his bad features from the first minute, but at the same time i kept tellin myself to not to worry about the bad things, such as yellow teeth and stuff like this what always turned me off. it was good to talk to somebody, who seemed to understand me, to have somebody holdin my hand... he made me feel special and beautiful, tho i never had big thoughts about myself. always have low self confidence, always been the one who got bullied in primary school, the fat girl, the pig, even tho now im almost a regular size, these harms still very lively inside me. ill never be perfect, never be the girl who turns the necks of men on the street... so in last august my boyfriend made me move donw to limerick, to his brothers house, who were lookin for au pair at the time, but didnt want to hire some stranger girl. so i came handy, they knew me, and at least me and my fella were closer to each other. now we meet every evening, spending the time on the sofa bed in his parents living room. but im not happy. now as i try to get myself back on track, im figuring out what i want. but im not sure its him. i dont think he is the right person for me. he is lazy, he is 30, still living with his parents, doesnt have a job... i would love to change workplace, i dont want to be an au pair any more, i want a real job, with a real salary, not 100 euros a week... he promised me we move together in the summer time. i couldnt move out from his brothers house alone, cause from my wage i cant save enough money to rent a flat, or even a room. but if i get a job somewhere else, i cant live with them any more, cause its just the way it goes... if u r their au pair u live there. if not, u have to go. i feel so trapped, so unhappy, tho on my days off i go to town, to a charity shop, and do some voluntary work, feels good to be among people, do something different, and it felt such a challange to learn how to use the till, and how to be a part of a team in a clothes shop. my one day freedom of a week... when im there i dont feel sad, i dont feel hungry, its just feels right. but when im back here, im just so low, doesnt have the patiente for the kids, doesnt have the energy to do my job, and just want to eat, then i feel guilty and have to get sick sometimes, after a bigger meal, cause i dont want to be that huge fat girl again. the problem is that these bigger meals are gettin more often during a day... i just cant stop eatin, even tho i know i shouldnt do it. eatin makes me feel a bit better, comforts me. cant help. i know i need to get out of here, just yesterday i applied for a job, through e mail. im so hopefull, it would be a translator/interpreter job for hungarian language in limerick. i know its too early to get any reply for it, but im so excited. but on the other hand im so scared that if i got the job, i would have to turn it down, cause the posting said that the starting is immediate, and if i got it, i let this family down, cause they stay here without a nanny for the kids, and i stay here too without a place to live...
my only hope is the summer, and that my boyfriend keeps his word, and we move toghether, rend a flat, then i really can look for a normal job, save money, get a life...
im sorry to say this, but im so sick and tired of being with children all day. like its my whole world, within these walls, 6 days of a week, without havin any friends, or meeting adults... no company, only my boyfriend in the evenings, but even he seems to be so different now, since i moved here... im not special any more, im not beautiful, we dont have sex, only every second weekend... but to tell the truth i dont even feel like havin sex...
recently i signed up to some chat sites, its good to chat to people from home, or even from here... makin cyber friendships, sharing problems, havin laughs...
i feel so miserable. so desperate. i know that there is way out, at least i hope, that there is way out. the summer. but it seems so far. im not sure i can keep it up...