I'm not as strong as you think i am.

by Mirella
(Canada)

On the outside i seem like any other 17 year old teenage girl...spending time with friends and going to parties...but inside, it’s not all peaches and cream.
Drinking helps forget the problem
Getting high makes me feel like everything is good
I can be smart, but i can’t seem to motivate myself to do my school work.
I think I'm ugly, though people tell me otherwise.
I know I'm not skinny, and i try to work out but I'm just always so tired and stressed and end up eating too much.
I've never had a boyfriend.
I pull tantrums just to be noticed...I'm not going anywhere in life, and it scares me. I'm never going to be good enough for them and they make me feel like a black sheep in the family, the one who can with-stand anything...any poke, push. They say 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.' words hurt just as bad...often they hurt even more than a slap, a punch or a kick.
My parents tell me I’m fat, that I need to lose weight, that I’m never going to find a boyfriend because guys don’t like fat girls… I always thought I was only kind of chubby, 5’4 155lbs, mainly muscle but according to them I’m like obese or something. They don’t understand how much it hurts…that not only is it hard for me to accept myself but they don’t accept me….sometimes I think they would be much happier if I was anorexic.
I feel like crying for no reason, and the only reason i don't have more scars is because I'm scared of people judging me.
People think I'm so tough, so strong but what they don't see is that its all an act...I hate people seeing me cry...always leaving it to when I'm in my room alone, and everyday i have to paint on a smile and pretend that nothings bothering me, just to make the people around me happy, and it sucks, because i know i will never be good enough for anyone.
I'm scared to be alone, I'm scared that i will end up alone and live my life without anybody beside me.
Sometimes i just wish i had someone who would hold me tight and tell me that no matter what, everything is going to be okay...

No matter what I do, I’m never going to be good enough, for anyone.

-M