I'm not a horrible person

by Suzanne
(Oregon)

I know I'm not a horrible person. But more and more often I find myself telling myself that I am. I cry whenever I'm alone. I'm paranoid. I've recently started hyperventilating a lot because of my anxiety. I've had anxiety attacks since 7th grade, where I yell at whoever is near, and then cry for 2 hours straight. I quit swimming because I felt i wasn't good at it anymore, and I can't stand looking at myself because I'm a quitter. 8th grade just ended for me, and I must say that things have sort of been getting better. in 7th grade I'm not sure how I held on. It was the second year I was depressed, and the worst.

In 6th grade, we had an addition on our house, which I didn't want. Now we're struggling to pay the bills. My dad had prostate cancer that year, and my parents didn't even bother to tell me. My mom had a hip replacement and throat surgery, and would yell at me every chance she had. She denies telling me I'm fat and worthless, but I remember. That was the year my self esteem plummeted. It's stayed there ever since. It didn't help that I was a late bloomer and still looked like a 9 year old. Oh yeah, and my best friend was my cat, because my other friends used me.

My brother left the house when I was 7, and he was 18. He did meth, smoked, cut himself, and would listen to scary music at home. After he flunked college, he shaped up, met the love of his life, graduated college, and is now happy. People can't stop saying what bad a person he is, and my mom can't stop complaining about how his fiance is his first girlfriend. But he really loves me, and i love him and I his fiance, because she isn't fake, like my mom! Sometimes I feel that I should tell him about my depression...

7th grade came. I was as depressed as ever, since I realized that my dad watched porn on the computer instead of working a lot of the time. He was my idol. WAS. I had also tried to make my parents stop smoking since I was 8, but they didn't care about me enough to stop. Or listen. Did I mention how nobody listens to me? Then my grandmother died, the first death in my family in which I actually knew the person. The last time I saw my other set of grandparents was when I was two. Anxiety attacks occured, at least once a week. Nightmares, and stress from bad grades didn't help. And you remember that cat that was my best friend in 6th grade? He was eaten by coyotes. We spent weeks trying to find him, but I was the only one trying, because he meant the most to me. I thought of cutting, but I was still strong enough to resist the temptation. I confessed to my 2 best friends, and they helped me survive 7th grade.

in 8th grade, I decided to shape up. Drop that wimpy attitude. I exercised, but I still hadn't started to swim again. I ate healthy, but I wasn't very good at it, so I gained weight. After my mom bitched and bitched and bitched, I got the message and got down to a reasonable weight. Now every time I see my mom, all I can see is judgement. Every time I'm near her, she bristles and gets defensive. I guess it's because of what a jerk I was in 7th grade, because I had never been depressed before. My dad is distant too, because he keeps losing his jobs and is depressed. I'm also the youngest on both sides of my family, so I will always be treated like a baby and never be listened to.

However, this summer, I've been so nervous I haven't been eating. But I stay the same weight, because my metabolism is naturally very slow.

Now I want to squash my depression before it's too late and I end up like my brother in high school.

ON A POSITIVE NOTE:
We got a new kitten.
I've been told that I'm a nice person
I've permanently installed an annoying voice inside of me that sometimes drowns out negative thoughts.

and that's all I've got

BUT ISN'T HE CUTEEE?