I'm just so confused

by Ramona
(Canada)

Um, hi. I'll probably delete this as soon as I'm done writing it, but I don't know. Maybe I'll post it. I didn't even realize people could blog here.

So many people have terrible lives and terrible things that happen to them. They have reasons for getting sad, it makes sense. All this bad stuff is happening to them so of course they get sad and depressed, right?

I have a good life. I do. Good marks in school, good friends, good family, good everything I guess. So it doesn't make sense that I'm sad, but somehow I am.

I've been getting sad like this for at least 5 years, possibly longer. I'm currently 17 1/2. I don't really know how else to explain it except that I get really sad a lot. I feel crappy about myself. Sometimes I feel okay, but for the most part I feel like I'm stupid and ugly and insignificant and so many other things. I feel unloved, even though I have my friends and family. Sometimes the sadness lasts for a few hours, and other times it lasts for days. I can't tell how often it comes, but it's never gone for more than a month (it's probably gone for a few weeks at most). Sometimes I'm only a little sad, and sometimes I spend the day in bed because it's so bad.

I'm pretty close with my friends, but not with my family. I had a really bad relationship with them when I was growing up, but it's gotten better now. They give me lots of space so I spend lots of time alone in my room.

About three years ago I told my parents about the sadness. I went to see a therapist but it didn't help at all. She talked about things that didn't help me and I felt like I couldn't say what I wanted to say. I didn't go for long. It wasn't working, and I felt guilty for using up my parents' money.

I'm pretty sure they've forgotten all about my being sad. Sometimes I think I'm being so obvious about it, but none of them seem to notice anything at all. Part of me wants them to notice, but mostly I just want to hide and pretend everything is okay. It's very conflicting.

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do about anything. I don't know if I should try to get help again or just deal with this on my own like I've been doing the past 5 years. I'm so scared that none of this is real and I'm just a stupid teenager. It feels so real to me, but I'm scared people will think I'm faking it for attention or something.

I don't know what to do. I want to do something about this but I have no idea what. I don't even know what's wrong with me. I don't understand why I get sad like this, or what this sadness even is. I don't know if I'm depressed or if it's something less than that. I'm just so confused.

I guess I might post this, mostly just because I could really use some advice. So yeah, if you have any ideas or advice or anything at all I would greatly appreciate it.