I'm finding out what makes me wanna live

by Vanessa

They don't see what I'm hiding behind this pretty little smile. Everyone has there moments when there unhappy, miserable, mistreated and so on. It just seems like my moment is never ending.

Started when i was 4, my dad remarried i thought it was the worst thing i could imagine. How could he be happy with anyone other than my mom, guess he was. My step mom never liked me, she claimed i wasn't her daughter so i didn't matter. She was convinced that my brother and I weren't good kids and it was all my moms fault. She left us on her shoulders. I couldn't blame her, she was unstable, unsure in my opinion she wasn't ready to be alone.

Even if my mom wasn't there for me as a kid, I love my mom, i always will. Even though she's in heaven now she left when i was 15, she had 12 different types of cancer. The hospital was her home for 2 years. I regret not spending enough time with my mom, i remember every time i would visit her she got a bit better every time. It was hard to go see her, i hated seeing her in so much pain. Soon enough she didn't even look like my mom anymore. Cancer took over her body, took over her mind. She said she would never leave me, never would she leave me alone in this horrible world.

I can't seem to bring myself together since the day she left, it's almost been a year now. Crying is a daily routine, it's hard not to think about it and cry, because even if she wasn't for me as a kid she was the most important i had, and now i've lose what i had. I miss her terribly.

My friends think i have a great life, i mean i must since i'm always happy and always laughing and having a good time. It's all an act, you see i'm a pretty good actress. This is like a role in a movie to me, acting happy is easy. Sometimes i wonder if I'll ever be truly happy, if I'll ever stop faking my happiness. I just want to be happy. Maybe someday i'll find that happiness i've been looking for.