I'm different.

by Mandii
(UK)

Where to start, I'm not really sure if I have depression, but it sounds more and more like it.
I want to die. That is it. I don't see the point in living, haven't seen the point in a very very very long time. I've always believed that I will die soon, and I've never really considered anything for when I'm beyond 20.
BUT - I have a boyfriend, I have friends, I have fun most of the time. I do enjoy life, to an extent. I'm looking ahead, at my future and applying for university next year. I know what I want to do. But that's about it. I don't have any other career choices, or other options after I reach 20.

I've had suicidal thoughts, I used to self-harm, I've attempted suicide, I don't see the point in living anymore.
Yet I smile and laugh and have a good time, at times.

I believe that I fit in the criteria of depression.
I've lost weight, I'm practically a stick according to my boyfriend. I almost always wake up in the middle of the night twice and find it hard to go to sleep most of the time.

I'm too scared to ask for a clinical opinion because I know they'll just refer me to a counsellor, and I do not believe that is what I need.
I also blame the fact that I have lost 2 people very close to me within the last 2 years.

I'm different, and I'm confused.

Comments for
I'm different.

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Apr 22, 2012
 Being different
by: Aadil

It is not bad of being different, in fact it means lord given some special quality to do something special and it depends on the quality that what we have to do.
Mar 30, 2011
 I'm only 12, and i don't have plans beyond 13
by: Jessie

I might not be here much longer, but I am now. So please, try the clinic. They're sending me to the counselor at school. It's not fun, but it helps a bit.
Please. Even if I don't get better, make sure you do.
Dec 26, 2010
 Try out the Clinic
by: Anonymous

If I were you going to a clinic and trying to get there support is worth while. If you do get given a councelor it is their job to be understanding, if you don't think it's right for you tell them.

*Spoiler* (I'm am ok at advice but not entirely serious, I make good points but in a bad way. Baring this in mind read the next bit with piles of salt and maybe you'll make sense of it.)

Alternatively if you find yourself at 20 and still around take a year out, doesn't matter what you do, get a job, move country, join the forces or just stopping altogether you need time to think.

Last resort is, essentially, steal someone else's life... kinda. Here's my point, you don't know what to do, but someone else does/did, follow them. I personally don't believe the world is full of choices (Or candy, rainbows... most things along these lines) but I know most people are too scared to die.

I've heard of a strange but nice sounding saying. 'When you can't run, walk. When you can't walk, crawl. And when you can't do that, get someone to carry you.' Given what I said in the previous paragraph you're down to carrying, doesn't matter who or even if they know you, their life can carry you on till you make decide if you want a different job, decided you like this job and are good at it or die. Which ever comes first, naturally.

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