i'm a cutter :/

by Anonymous

okay, so i'm cutter i'm 12 about to be 13 and i've been cutting for almost a year... nobody knew and nobdy suspected.. that is until this year. okay, so i started cutting becasue i was just depressed and i cried all the time for no reason whatsoever..at first it was only every once in a while, like maybe every couple weeks, and they weren't deep,deep...to everyone else i appeared perfect,a barbie. But if u really knew me then u knew better, althought u knew not to say anythin because that would make it worse..like i said, if u only knew the "fake" me then u thought i was perfect becauase i had perfect grades, everyone loved me, always so full of life, prettiest girl in school, most popular, could date whoever i wanted, but none of that mattered to me... here in january i met a guy at the skating rink and EVERYTHING changed... he was "emo" i could tell as soon as i walked in but still he was gorgeous even though he was sitting in a corner by himself... well on into the night his sister came up and said he liked me i didnt know him that well but i went over and said hiya, he replied hi, he was shy i could tell... the night ended and i went home, i checked my faceboook and he had sent me a friend request so i added him... 2 days later he chatted me, we got to know eachother, and he asked me for my number. gladly, i gave it to him, and then two seconds later i got a text from a number i didnt know saying "u know u looked beautiful the other day(;".... so ever since then we have been best friends he's always been there whenever i needed him no matter what..after only about a month of knowin him i told him i cut and turns out, he was broken too. he is a cutter, a drug addict,an alcoholic,constantly suicidal, belives no one could ever love him, doesn't know his biological father, his step-dad hates him, his mother couldn't give a care, he's a bi-sexual, and believes Jesus doesn't love him for that, he claims he used to bea Christian; i tried to explain u can't USED to be once u are, u ARE.. he won't listen... Well here aout a month ago i started cutting regularly, every night. he was always there, never judged me, always just told me he loved me and that everything was going to be okay. well, after i started cutitng regularly everyone started figuring it out, except for 3 people( i told them) my boyfriend and my 2 (girl) best friends (my guy bestfriend does not apply to this) well, one of my friends who figured it out wrote an note and left it in a desk to one of the bestfriends i told about me cutting (she started after i did) (she's a fake they all were except for him) well, the teacher found it and told the counselor, while there they snitched on me, God how i was pissed off. she said she wouldn't tell my parents if i quit. which i did, with my wrists. (i started cutting my legs) here about a week ago my best (guy) friend's girlfriend,(he's bi rememeber?) my worst enemy, told him that when i had seen her at the mall i told her that he FORCED me to cut and that he loved me not her and all this crap i never said. so, he hated me...we were cursing eachother out, telling eachother we never wanted to see eachother again, and that we hated eachother so much that we should go kill ourselves..... we made up but it was too late while he called her and confided in her, i had no one i could trust so i cut.. DEEP! he felt really bad, but i told him i was fine. yesterday, my grandmother heard from the parents of one of the kids who had figured out i cut that i did. she confronted me and i couldn't lie. so, she told my dad and i'm sure i've lost his trust but he half understands because he also suffers from anixiety and depression.... i've tried other methods to slowly ease off from the pain addiction (which it is) like the rubber band but then i only did it until it was jsut as bad as cuttin, leaving bloody tears from the rubber. i have stopped cutting for almost 5 days now and i'm okay i guess. well, not really today i nearly cracked because my bestfriend (guy) and i had a fight..... the truth about him is i love him! i've told him that i like him before and he liked me THEN too. but 2 days ago we were talkin (fake fihgting) and i told him i didnt like him anymore(: he said good because u really piss my girlfriend off i lied and said that i havent like, liked him for a long time then he replied he only liked me a little while after i stopped but then just wanted to be bestfriends so we are but it isn't enough i love him, and almost told him today but i cant! so wish me luck!!!!! i've almost quit cuttin, hopefully i can(: