I just want it to end :'(

by Kayla L.
(Canada)

It all started with a boy. A stupid boy. I had fallen in love with him and he was a typical 14 year old boy so of course he took advantage of me an used me for his sexual needs. At first it didnt bother me when we 'got together', but then he forced me to lie to all my friends and tell them that nothing happened. Then he told me he loved me but then only about a week later, he told me he didnt mean it and that he only said it because he wanted to see what would happen. I then started cutting myself.

I didn't use a razor blade or anything, I used the sharp end of a bobby-pin and I didn't just cut lines, I cut words. The very first word I cut was on my left ankle on the inside and it said LOVE with a little heart underneath.The whole cut is about the size of a buisness card. Then I realized that I liked cutting myself an I did it again about 2 days later. This time I cut the word HOPE with a cross underneath on the other ankle. A couple weeks went by and I was dealing with everything okay, then the boy started talking to me again and I felt depressed so I cut my wrists and cut words into them. TRUST on my left wrist and FAITH on my right, all with a bobby-pin. Then a couple months went by and I wasnt paying attention during class and I started thinking about my past and I had a needle with me and I cut a heart on my left thumb sort of by the first joint about the size of a Canadian dime.

Then my friend saw me doing this an she got really upset and told me to stop because it was gross and disgusting. This only made me more upset so I cut again, and I cut the word Forever on my left foot (everything happens to be on my left because I'm right handed). Then everything was alright for quite some time, then I had found out that my very best friend in the entire world, had sex with the boy who started all this. This hurt me so much that I tried to commit suicide. I took 18 pills of pain medication and drank 3 energy drinks and thankfully vomited everything up. However, I did end up cutting myself and I cut over my old scar and wrote TRUTH on my left wrist.

All of this happened between September of 2010 and now, which would be July 2011. I haven't cut since early June, but I still cry myself to sleep most nights. Both of my parents know about my cuts but never talk to me about it. My mom tried to bring it up one day, but she stopped and told me to go to my room. I don't have a very close relationship with my mother, but I wish she could help me. I am almost certain I have bi-polar disorder because I have violent mood-swings and can go from being all happy an smiley, crying in my room and wanting to cut. All I want is to be normal again and not have the urge to cut myself so often. I tried burning myself once, an eraser burn, but that hurt way too much so I quit that. Cutting doesn't really hurt me anymore beacause I guess I have gotten used to it or something...

I just want it to end :'(