I just love to see the blood running down

by Isabella Gonzalez
(Maine)

At the age of 12, I was first introduced to the action "cutting" from a friend. I did not do it but he did, and at the moment I had no idea what he meant when he said "I Love Cutting". I never asked him what it was but I always found it interesting. So I looked it up online and saw what it was,I read more on it and I became very interested.

Then that summer I had turned 13 and I was becoming more interested in the "Emo" style. I had also went to spend some time with my sister, her husband, and her very bad kids in California. The summer started off great, but then things became sooo stressful with the kids and her yelling at me bringing me down. So, I remembered what i seearched up online and thought about if i should do it or not, and i did. I went into the kitchen took out a knife and went into my room. When i put the blade on my skin I felt a rush, y heart started racing. I quickly dragged the knife across my skin but only hard enough to scratch my skin and turn red. It felt great so I did it again 4 times that day everytime I was stressed.

Later down the summer, my sister and her husband were drinking and so was I. It was late, and i knocked out cold on the living room chair only to be woken up by someone licking my face. At the moment, I didnt take it to mind so I pushed the person of which i thought was my nephew and went into my room. A few minutes later the door was opened and he came in and got on top of me and started touching me and kissing me. Luckly my sister came in just in time...........

After that night, everyday I cut myself, from my wrist to all the way up to my elbow. I wore long sleeves in the house everyday for the rest of the summer and never went outside. I became so depressed having no one to talk to and seeing my sister so depressed. My sister found out about my cutting and threatened to tell my mother so I "stopped" in time for the cuts to heal for when i had to go home to Maine.

I actually stopped when I went home because my mother is a very keen woman and i would have gotten caught. One day I was alone in my room just sitting there, quietly, my parents were down stairs and the thought of cutting came back into my head. I used many things before to cut such as broken ceramic pieces, forks, knives, and glass.

This time I went into my moms room got a new razor blade. At the moment i thought that this would be just like the other times, not that deep, just a little scratch.....WRONG. I passed the razpr blade lightly and quickly over the skin near the bend of my elbow and instantly the cut turned white and then immediately a huge amount of blood rushed out. I paniced i hade no idead what to do. I thought "i really did it this time" i ran into the bathroom and tried my best to stop the bleeding, it just didnt want to stop. I actually thought about telling my mom but i was too scared.

so week past by and i kept taking care of the cut even though i should have went to the doctors for a cut that deep. After that i became so scared that i stopped cutting for a couple of years butI guess that was not enough for me to stop. I mean i stop for months or maybe weeks but i cant stop. Everytime i feel depressed i feel like i have to cut. i just love to see the blood running down. its addicting. im 17 now and im still a cutter, i never thought i would be still doing this or have ever ended up this way. Im scared that i wont stop and it would escalate.

But the thing is i love the way it feels and the sight of blood is so enjoyable. i cant stop....... I honestly hope, I can find help I want the help but i dont know if i want to stop...im scared.