I just don't know what to do with myself anymore

by Natalie Taylor
(Australia)

So my depression started maybe five years ago when my mum and dada were working in a hostel and we all were going to go to Perth for a holiday but I refused because I was really worried about my cat cause I grew up with them and cause they both was always there for me when I was really upset they would always comfort me when I was really sad they were like a brother and sister to me, but the few nights before we left I had these strange dreams that my cats Angel and Sylvester would get really sick and eventually die.

The day came when we had to leave and mum and dad got my nan and pop to look after the cats. When we got back we found out that Sylvester got loose for a few days and was infected by a feral cat, he eventually got very sick so we put him in one of the rooms in the hostel and I went there every chance I got because I was really worried about him... that and because I had to fed him but mostly because I loved him but one I woke up hoping he would be all right today but...

My dad was coming back from the room with sylvester in, he looked very said I braced myself because I expecting to that maybe he just got a bit more sick but no my dad said that he got too sick and sadly pasted. I cried for so long I still cry about now but it really hit me when we found out that Angel got sick from Sylvester and so we took her to the vet and they kept her there for a few days then we got news one day that she'd be okay, I was so happy that day until we found that Angel had pasted as well that was one of the most sad days of my life. We had a little funeral for her but only my dad went because we were all too sad to see Angel be put next to Sylvester's grave but we all went to Sylvester's little funeral but I couldn't go to Angel's one it was just too much for me, ever since then my life has been very depressing like how I lost my uncle and nan,

I'm also finding it really hard to go to school, last year I missed 86 days of school and now I'm in high school and it's so hard for me to go. Some days when I refuse to go to school it really really bothers my mum and she sometimes gets so upset she either hurts me emotionally or physically and that usually makes me cry and makes me try to commit suicide and that makes me not sleep at night and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.