I hate everything

by Jackii

Waking up is the hardest part of my day, I can't sleep at night and have trouble waking up in the morning. I feel sad all the time, even when I smile, it's my mask I hide behind, and no one's bothered to take it from me. But cutting, it gives me a purpose again, something to feel good about, it takes me away and surrounds me in pleasure, it feels better than anything else I've done. I'm 15, and I already hate my life. My family are all liars and they stab each other in the backs, and my so called friends are the same, the difference is I prefer to be with them than my family.

I was bullied from the moment that I stepped into school, and have been ever since, I got labelled emo the moment i changed my hair and clothes from everyone else. I pretend I don't care, but I do, I really do care. You just don't realise because I hide behind my smile, even when I'm dying inside. I act like a tough girl, I'll get into fights if someone's asking for it, but I still cry at night.

I have no one to talk to, if I tell anyone I'll be locked up and put on loads of pills, I know because this happened to someone I know, I don't trust doctors or anyone. I've done this ever since I was little, I just didn't realise it at the time, and I've only recently progressed to cutting because it's so much better. It lets me know that I'm awake, that I'm still breating, even though I constantly wish I wasn't. My sister only thinks about herself and she puts me down whenever she gets the chance, she has everything, and she likes to remind me that I have nothing and no one that understands me.

I went to the doctors once with my dad, I told him some stuff, but when you want to tell the doctor that you've been thinking about killing yourself, when your dad's in the room, you lie. So my doctor put me feeling down to my hormone imbalance, which I know for a fact doesn't make me feel the way that I do. I hate myself, my family, my life.I hate everything, and I honestly have just stopped caring about everyone and everything. I hate interacting with people, just talking to them makes me really annoyed, it's not their fault, but one day I'll be fine with them and the next I'll hate their guts.

There's been a lot of things that have happened to me, like really really bad things: deaths (over all the holidays and my birthday), lies (my older brother who I haven't seen in years), family problems, pets dying, friend back stabbing me, attempted rape, stalkers, abusive relationships.... I could go on but I don't want to think any more about it.

So, I really don't see a point in my life anymore, nothing good comes from it, but I can't kill myself, I've tried but to no success. People say they want to help, but they're lying, all they want is to know that there's someone more messed up then them in the world, so they feel better about themselves.