I fear happiness

by Khushbu
(india)

I was a regular girl in high school. I had a great boyfriend and we shared a good relation. I found out he cheated on me and my feelings changed. I started developing very negative feelings for everyone.
We dated for 5 and half years and then I broke up. I am now engaged to someone else.

All that while (in those years, my ex was a great guy but a flirt and a little self centered). We both had opposite ideologies and I thought we wont be compatible and so I thought it will be sensible of me to end.
I was a cutter and made cuts whenever I felt bad about me. I had lost my confidence, but all I wanted was a life with him. I never told anyone anything and cried for nights and nights.

Then I meet my present fiance. He is great. He gives me space, we have the same ideology, he cares a lot, but I feel so incomplete. I have everything I wanted in life. Still my eyes can't control tears. I cry in my pillow, during showers and when no one is looking. Everyone in my family and friends feel I am happy but I am killing myself.

I feel suicidal every moment. Though I have everything they don't make sense without him in it. At times I feel I am living two personalities. No one knows the real me.

Will it be better if I ended my life? May be next life I will be happier or calmer. I don't want to cry every night and feel this void anymore.

Comments for
I fear happiness

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Your not alone,
by: Michael

Not many people can or will ever be able to understand how you feel, this just generally sucks for those who needs help. This will make you feel very alone even if you have close friends and relationships. And starts a cycle of feeling like two different people, one the happy get along with whatever, two the person alone in a room crying trapped with no hope.
I'm not a doctor, psychologist or anyone special, I'm just a guy who is in love with a girl who has been down that self destructive path more than a few times. Impossibly she never succeeded in her attempts, shortly after is when I met her, ever since all i've wanted to do is help her with this, she used to cut herself on a daily basis, she was bulimic, and suicidal. The main problem with all of these issues is that none of them are ever beaten, they can only be controlled and its a constant fight that could last forever. she no longer makes herself sick, she no longer cuts herself and no longer want to die. Its taken a long time and will forever need effort and attention to sustain. She has recently started to cry every-night again, she often wonders if I'd be happier without her, its nonsense and I tell her I couldn't imagine life without her but she wont believe me. We separated for two weeks but now we're back together and things are becoming better than ever, I've tried so hard for so long and things are finally controllable.
My advice to you is to tell your boyfriend everything, tell your family too, people can't help if they don't know. People will help if they care you just have to trust and hope they will. Nobody will be happier if you are dead. Forget the next life, this is your life right here now, try everything you can, try everyday, ever moment in tear could be a moment happy. I hope this is of use to you Khushbu.
Thanks
by: Khushbu

I know. But I fear my own future. If I can give happiness to the guy I am with in my present. I feel as if he is suffereing due to my depression.
A day does'nt go by when I don't think of my ex. He did terrible things to me, but somehow I keep on remembering the nicer moments.

At times I feel it will be better if I stopped torturing my ownself and end it all. And then I think of all the other ppl associated with me. It wont be fair to them.

Can I do anyhting to take a step and accept ym future?
No
by: Laslo

No, it won't be better to end your life and kill yourself. I don't know wether your next life will be happier or calmer but if you kill yourself, your next life will be terrible.
I do not see any big problem in your present life, except that you do not want to step in the next phase of your life. You are fixed to the past.
Life is moving, life is flowing. Do not try to stop it.

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