I dont think anybody understands

by Collin
(Ga)

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm just going to write how I feel and It's probably going to be mostly composed of contradictions in my feelings and what not. I'm just really confused and I constantly think about dying.
Theres kind of like three parts to how I feel, Angry, sad and alien (you'll see why I call it that)
Basically in my mind I'm constantly angry and I try to think about how people are going to try to make me feel bad, not purposefully though, so I plan things out in my head and I'm yelling at everybody because I feel so bad about myself and who I'am and it makes me feel crazy that I have fake arguments to defend myself
When I'm angry in my head it usually follows into making me sad in life, this is usually when I'm alone and so I start to think about how stupid and worthless I'am. Other times I'm sad its just like I hate life and the world, but mostly myself, and I wish I could just die. I constantly try to diagnose myself so that maybe I could tell someone and I could be cured. I've read 3 books, two on psychiatry and mental disorder and another on the brain, partly because I like them and partly because I want to find out whats wrong with me.
Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are amplified and I become hypersensitive, I become super-critical of myself and things, this usually happens when I'am alone I get really scared. It's like my thoughts change into these kind that have haunted my dreams since I was a child and they have become more frequent. I've speculated that they could be the thoughts of the devil emerging in me so that I could be the Anti-Christ or something. Other times I begin to feel like I'm visiting another planet and everything starts to look alien and unnatural yet retaining its beauty I feel like I could walk through walls, and other times this scares me more then it intrigues me and I start shaking and twitching and stuff like that.
I constantly feel like the world is a fake like I might be in a dream and everyone else is a part of my subconscious or that the world is just that and we all die never to live again, it really scares me and sometimes makes me want to die even more please don't tell me this is just life because if it is then I'de rather not live it.
Im a 16 year old male and I want to get my life on track, thats if there is a track.