I dont know

by Taylor Dupont
(Norwalk Ohio)

my parents have been broken up forever... that doesnt matter... that doesnt bother me.... i used to live with my mom... she cares about me... she loves me... she lived far from my dad... but i still saw him on the weekends.... in 6th grade my grades just kept getting worse... then the other girls made fun of me... i was heavier.... i had a lot of acne.... i felt like i had no friends... so i started reading books... twilight mostly.... i read the series 17 times.... i never left my room... i just stayed up all night... reading... and during school too... all through 7th grade too.... by then i didnt have any friends left... just my books.... my mom usually brought my food to my room...eventually she took my to a therapist... i cried... i wasnt crazy.... she said i might need pills... i was perfect... why would she wanna change me?.... i cried the whole first day... i didnt wanna be crazy... i was normal... i didnt wanna talk to that lady because i had no friends... she stopped taking me.... i still had no friends.... i started dressing "goth" and i asked to move in with my dad... i barely passed 7th grade... so that summer i went to my dads.... i thought maybe id have more friends there... the kids would like me.... that year i made a lot of friends... i stopped the reading and my grades were better... honor roll all year.... i even got a boyfriend...i started experimenting and trying new things...being happy... then i started being bossy to him.... i was mean... we dated all summer.... and then he broke up with me... i stayed in my room for 2 days crying... i threw up whenever i thought of him... i loved him... i tried cutting... thats what people do when they're sad right?... it hurt... but i guess i deserved it for being mean to him.... and then he took me back... and he made me stop cutting... told me he loved me.... we were starting freshman year then and everybody was so cool.... he was sorta dorky but i didnt care.... then he started being mean to me... he'd grown over the summer and was a foot taller than me now... he pushed me some... yelled at me.... told me what to do.... didnt care when i cried... then he'd be nice... wed go on dates again.... and then he'd start being mean... i started cutting... it felt good... when kids saw they looked at me and tried to make me smile.... i acted like i hated it but i liked how they cared..... he saw the cuts and called me emo... said i was stupid and ugly..... dumped me again.... then i started drinking.... it made me feel better... i sut all the time.... i hung out with friends.... i smiled and laughed but i still missed him... then he asked me out again... i took him back immediately.... he started hitting me... yelling at me..... i was sad..... even tho we were together i was sad.... i started cutting again.... he didnt care.... he said i wanted attention... i guess he was right... i was just being stupid... so he dumped me again... for a new girl.... he didnt care about me... i was the worst yet... i cried every day.... cut a lot…. it felt a lil better... made me realize i was real... i could get hurt... all things going on were real.... and i deserved it... i drank a lot... started smoking weed... it made me feel better.... but i just stayed sad... people usually get over guys after awhile... i flirt with other guys... started sleeping around to try to get over him... it didnt work.... i still missed him.... i stopped cutting for awhile... tried to be normal... i got caught sneaking out a few times... now im grounded.... i dont leave the house anymore.... ive been getting sad again... i miss him more than ever... its been 4 months but im still not over it.... ive been cutting again.... i cant drink and smoke to feel happy.... im just always sad.... i dont know why im sad.... all the time.... im just sad.... i miss him... i feel like i have no friends... but i still have plenty.... i just feel like they dont actually care... my parents found out i cut... i told them i stopped... they believed me.... im still grounded... my ex uses me for sex whenever he feels like it..he talks to me when he wants to... he just ignores me other times... but i still want him back.... im depressed... i cant stop crying... and im cutting more than ever.... ive thought about killing myself.... nobody cares about me.... they might say they do but im pretty sure they dont.... i think i should ask to go back to therapy... im scared... i dont wanna die.... maybe my mom was right and i just need medication... i dont wanna tell my parents about the cutting.... they'll think i want attention.... i dont know what to do anymore.... i dont know whats wrong with me....