i dont know whats wrong with me

by Mary

need someone to talk to

i am a 19 year old female. and i want to share my store because i need to know im not alone with what i am going through. so ill just start from the beginning.
my mother had me when she was 20, my biological father was not in my life. she raised me teh best she could. she worked so hard and gave me all she could even if that ment she would have nothing. when i was 2 she started dating someone, he slowly became the father figure in my life. when i was 3 my mom her boyfriend & i moved into an apartment all together. as i grew up, i was already an extrirdinary lier. for someone so young i could come up with a lie withiin a moments notice, and a good one 2. nothing too serioun, kids lie. it happens. when i was 6 we moved into a house into the town i call home. well call it the boro. around when we 1st moved in things started changing. i dont remember or know how it started but her boyfriend, my dad, started molesting me. i dont remember how long it lasted, but i jus know that one day it stopped. i never fought it. it was like i didnt care. ever since that happened when i was 6 i have never been the same. after it stopped i blocked it out of my memory. i didnt think of him in any other way i didnt think bad of him, he was my dad. i remember i started acting out sexually. with the neighbors around the neighborhood. 2 girls that lived near me. i would pursuade them that being naked was fun. do weird things. at 6 and 7 years old i could convince other kids to do these things. 1 of the girls parents found out and banned her from comming over but they never told my parents. that was just the start of my crazy fucked up life

my mom & dad got married wheni was 6 and i took his last name. they had my lil sister wheni was 8 and divorced when i was 12. around the time my sister was born., i found some playboy magazines in my dads suitcase, i would read them and like it. soon i found that we had the porn channel on tv. i started watching it secretly every day as much as i could. until they found out 1 day and got it blocked. in middle school i was pretty 'normal' well the most normal i have been since i was really young. and then 8th grade came, and i met some new people, black people. being black living with an all white family my whole life, i never really cared about how i was or acted because that was all i knew. then i met people who showed me a new world. where black people acted a certain way and white people acted another. thats when is started being what other people wanted me to be. i lost myself. then highschool came, and it was the worst years of my life.

to anyone else or anyone who knows me even the closest people to me, they all would tell you im easy going happy fun always happy. you would never ever know i am this way, or i lived the life i live. i am living a secret life and no one knows. i started doing drugs the end of my sophmore year and the whole beginning of my junior year. it started with extacy, i loved it. me and my friends would do it durring the week, the weekends, whenever. then i added coke to my list. then soon, i had tryed every drung that did not involv having to inject it. the thing was tho. i was not a drug feen. i didnt need to do drugs. i wasnt addicted. i am not capiable of saying no. if the poeple around me are doing something, im doing it 2. i can not be my own person. i dont stand up for anything. the drugs clearly had a bad affect on my life. i use to be horrible. i would get mad and say the worst things to my mother. terrible fucked up things that i look back on today and i jus feel like running away because i cant even look her in the eye without wanting to cry. my mother is amazing and i made her feel like she was the worst person in the world.

sexually, i had and still do have a problem. i can not stay faithful. i dont know how many people i have had sex with. and the thing is, each one of the people i have had sex with, iv wanted to be with them. i felt like having sex makes me close to them. that is also a secret no one knows. im so good at covering what i do that i have gone 19 years living this lie, all of this and no one knows. recently things have gotten really bad with alcohoal. i am not an alchoalic. but if i take 1 sip over my limit, i will black out. and wheni black out, i do things i would never do if i was concious, i have sex i drink more i say hurtful things. and i blackedout and told a friend that my father raped me. i had a breakdown aparently, i was yelling that i wated to go 2 counceling over and over and over, so she had to tell my mother cuz she had no idea what to do. my mom is heart broken. she wants me to talk 2 her about it and i wont. i cant.

at home is when i am the most depressed, b4 i got a job i would be in the house all day on the couch watching tv., if my mom asked me to do anything it would end in a fight. all i did was lay there all day or go on the computer and smoke weed. i did that for about a year and a half. now i have a job. working 10-15 hrs a week. because i cant get a better job because im not in school and i dont have a car or a licens. but if you know me, you would think i have it all. i front like im working all the time to save up for a car when in actuallity i have no money in my bank account because i spend all my money on stupid things.

i feel like everyone has a hidden agenda. its hard to keep a relationship because i feel like hes always lieing. always up to no good. that comes from the fact that i have been cheated on a few times and i myself go behind his back and do stupid things, so ik what the signs of a lier are. i HATE the way i am. i hate it. more then anything in this world. i hate the way i have treated people. i hate my past and i hate where my future is going. i want to be better. i dont do anything right. i procrastionate. i have no ambition. i make horrible decisions and never take responsability for my actions. every smile on my face is a lie. i dont know what to do. i cant help myself because no one knows whats wrong. and i cant bring myself to tell anyone. if you are reading this right now. and you can relate to my life. or jus need someone to talk to.