I die every day

by Emmalee
(Port Angeles, WA)

I'm 14, I've been depressed for a long time. It seems like forever. I feel like every day I am desperately seeking answers but I will never find them. I have been stuck in what I call a "rut" for 3 weeks, but I thought I would recover in a few days. Everything makes me depressed. The way two people look at each other, lines said on TV. Simple things. I can't find my own peace, I can't find a way to feel happy again. I thought everything would be fine, considering my girlfriend, but, it seems even she can't cheer me up. I thought I had lots of friends, but I am paranoid. I don't think any of them want to be around me anymore, or talk behind my back. I've lived with depression for what feels like forever, and not even my parents can seem to care. I say I'm depressed, I cry, and they spit in my face and tell me I'm not. That I don't understand. I've dealt with this for god knows how long, and I just don't know how to explain. I go to therapy already, I just can't open up. I've never been taught the skill. I wasn't introduced to it at a young age.

Every day, I feel like dieing. I have morbid thoughts of killing myself. Over dosing on pills. Hanging myself. Cutting my wrists.
I used to cut myself, but it was never enough to bleed for minutes. It was a sharp pain, quick bleed, then it would stop. I felt like that's how I could solve all my problems, but everything was only getting worse. I had to hide the cuts from family. Friends. I was harassed for such actions by the people I went to school with. I couldn't take it. It only made me cut more. I couldn't see the errors in what I was doing.

I am stuck here, now, writing this. I don't even know what I feel.
Helplessness? Despair? Hopelessness? Yeah, sounds about right.

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I die every day

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Dec 01, 2011
 I know that feel
by: Mike

Day in and day out its been either bullshit with my brother (crackhead, almost died of drug overdose, got fired from 4 different jobs in the past year, on the NYPDs most wanted list) or moving up to canada (you guess why). I dont have a social life inside or out of school. Im only hear because my mom and i are the only ones working. My fathers no better, he thinks its better that hes on welfare because that pays him more then his last job. Dammit, i make $150 a week and i still make more then him. Yet were just barely sqeezin by. Once i leave, i wudnt have anything to say goodbye to on staten island or say hello to anything in canada, and because of that, i thought at times (what if i just said goodbye to everything on this planet.)
Nov 19, 2011
 Don't Give Up
by: Belinda

I am the parent of a teenage boy that has dealt with and is still dealing with Bi-polar depression for years. He has been in therapy for 3 years and he is still in depression. It has been on and off and he has been at his lowest in the last 3 months or so. Please don't feel alone, there are others dealing with the same feelings. I go with him to every appointment and we have tried every drug available for his age. One of those drugs caused him to have a seizure. We are going to start seeing a pyschologist along with his psychatrist so he can learn how to cope with the loss of friends, paranoid feelings and loss of interest in life. I will not give up on my son because I know that if he continues to get help and I continue to support him and give him extra love and understanding that he will get better and you will too. Please keep someone in your life who is close to you in the loop and never shut them out. If you need someone to talk to you can e-mail me anytime. Life is hard but it is worth living and you will find happiness. My e-mail is belinda1162@aol.com if you want to talk. You are loved and never forget that.
Jul 04, 2011
 hey there NEW
by: Anonymous

i dont know if this depression or not, but one thing i know, i am never happy. i used to have friends around me but suddenly they all disappeared and never even bother coming back to me. i decided, screw them, if they dont need me, why should i need them? so i end up alone, mostly being independent living my life. im fine being on my own, but sometimes i couldnt help but to pause the moment and whine, why cant i be just like them, having people to trust to, people to rely on, and even people to care about. i felt like a robot wandering aimlessly on earth that full of warm greetings, and im not apart of it. i never intended killing myself because i know if i do, everything will just end there, and i have a lot of things i want to do. i just want to be happy.
Jul 01, 2011
 I Feel The Same NEW
by: Kathryn

i also cut alot to deal with the pain and i think about suicide everyday like last week i tried to commit suicide i couldnt do it anymore but i failed completely but now I'm glad I did it I have decided to become a therapist to help ppl like me and u with the problems we have and everyone in the world i will become a better therapist i been too.The therapists i had didnt really care or think I'm faking it which made me alot more depressed and made me think no one truely care about me but i have alot of ppl in my family who cared well in my mind i couldnt see it or even feel it but they do care and i do not want u be killing urself if u wanna talk to me email me grandpa_girl@hotmail.com or if u have a facebook find me with this email iluvwonderland@hotmail.com and if u have a youtube account u can befriend me on there just type in grandpagirl22 even though i dont know u very well i care about u i truely do =)
Jun 30, 2011
 Untitled NEW
by: Anonymous

I know how you feel. I've been stuck in a rut for quite a while now, but everything's just been going slowly downhill. My marks in school went down from an 80% averge to a 60% average. I could never concentrate, life just feels so numb all the time. I just want to not talk to anybody and walk around aimlessly all day. I'm 15 now, I was depressed when I was 12 for a year and it wasn't as bad as this. But don't kill yourself. You have a gf, and friends, and there are people who care about you and love you. And if you killed yourself, it would make them feel horrible, and wouldj ust make problems worse ror everybody else. I don't even know you, and I care about you. Trust me, things will get better as long as you try to have faith and remember that peopel still care about you. If the help you're getting in't working, maybe try and get extra/different help. Anyway, just hang in there, and there will be better days to come as long as you stay to wait for them.
May 26, 2011
 same here NEW
by: Anonymous

im pretty sure i have depression im always depressed i cut myslef i think about suicide i even took a knife to my chest but i couldnt leave my best frens alone in the world she know everything im in sooo much pain i cry every night i told my mom she said to just snap out of it shes mad cuz im not popular in school i want to die more every day if this is how the rest of my life is gunna feel like then i dont want to live my bf doesnt care ! i hate my dad he laughs at me wen i tell him hes so cruel and my mom is sick and dying i want to die but we need to find help i wont kill myself if u dont we need to at leat try to get life back sry i cant type more im not supposed to be online please dont give up mb ppl around u dont care but even though im a stranger i care bout u dont do anything stupid
May 11, 2011
 1-Hang in tight 2-Don't die NEW
by: Anonymous

Those are the rules to life. But... Why is life worth living? Don't ask me, I'm really depressed too, but others say it's great. Ya gotta hang in there and don't die cause life has to get better, it just does. For one day I was happy, out of like a year. I can tell you it was amazing! I don't know how exactly I got there, but I did. I slipped back in though. You should talk to someone, if you know someone who could help I know that's like *. I'll help you if I can, if you want. My email is worsethandead@gmail.com . Just hang in there, don't die, it'll get better. Yeah and I die everyday too. My story is Dead, I'm really dead, no, worse than dead, I'm alive. I would recomend listening to a singer called Emilie Autumn not all her songs are good but some help me when I feel like dying, she is a singer who had/has bipolar disorder, a type,of depression. Hang in there my heart is beating for you over there. xxxx

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