I can't take it anymore...

by Steph
(California)

Killing my brain

Killing my brain

I'm 13 and currently suffering from depression. Although every site tells me to call the therapist do you really think it's that easy? I can't even tell a single person how I truly feel. How do you expect me to visit the doctor and get help?

I feel so hopeless and lost. I have the pills to suicide in my drawer next to me right now. I have looked up ways to cure depression and suicide methods at the same time. I don't even know what I want anymore. Every time I start to believe in life again, it's taken away the next day. Maybe the world just wants me dead. I just have no guts and I'm scared of losing everything that I can gain. I get moody easily and my mood swings and suicide thoughts are increasing everyday.

I feel unneeded and sometimes I wonder why I'm alive in the world. Nobody makes me feel happy. I thought I had friends, until I found out that they planned so many events without me. I thought I had a family but every time I fail their expectations they turn their head. What am I? What is love? What is life? Why am I even alive? Everything is killing my brain and I want to cry my eyes out. But who would be there to comfort me but myself? It hurts to suffer and it hurts even more to suffer alone. In my family, crying is a sign of weakness and it deserves beating.

In my school, talking about yourself is a way of showing off. So what am I supposed to do now? I'm lost and I'm broken inside. I already tried suiciding once. Nobody knew and nobody cared. I told my parents that I felt depressed and sad at many times but instead they thought I was joking and made fun of me. I told my friends that I might not live the next day and instead they laughed. Is it really funny? Would it be funny if they didn't see me the next day? Do they know how painful my life is? It hurts so bad. Someone, please just kill me and end my pain.

I can't take it anymore. I'm suffocating and I just want someone to comfort my pains. But I'm so scared to tell them what I truly think. I can't take it anymore. How many times have I thought of killing myself. I can't even count it and I don't even know how it started. To top it off, the stress is killing my brain and nobody cares. The only thing they say is "don't become emo, it's stupid" i'm so scared that I'm practically shaking inside. Nothing good ever comes when it comes to me. I wonder why...does anyone out there love me?

When I look at sites, the only thing people say is "I love you and I care about you. Please don't die there's tons of things in life out there. You'll find someone to love you one day." I'm sick of those answers. They don't help at all. Yeah, like a total stranger would love me. That's just impossible. Everyone's just saying that because they want to comfort me. Am I that pitiable? All I want is to die. Just let me die. Please, I'm already dying on the inside. It hurts...so bad...

Comments for
I can't take it anymore...

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Hi
by: Silaada

Everyone on this earth has at some point someone who loves him or her more than anything. It's just the way it is. Sometimes it's a parent or a friend or a life partner,the important thing it's to never take it for granted,whoever gives you love-do not screw up.I won't tell you that everything will be peachy, life is tough.You sound like a young warrior in the "making" so don't give up because there are things to fight for(and with...)in this messed up world. If you suffer it means that you can understand others who suffer,only fubars feel great in our society. Take care kid,I pray for your spirit to be strong.
YOU DO MATTER
by: Anonymous

I wanted to comment, because I have been very low in my life at times. I have had good friends over the years, but as we got older my social life changed alot. I felt more and more isolated. My family, well it wasn't the live and support I needed. I am 48, but at 40 realized I needed to do something and branch out to other people. I joined singles groups just wih the idea of making friends. I also joined dating sites to see if maybe I might meet someone. Well I got the shcik of my life. I met someone at 40 were married and have a little son. REALLY. Your life can change. I wanted to also add that you should talk to a therapist that is what they are for. But, change therapists until you find the one that works for you. Thyroid issues. Get yours checked out. I am now on Levoxyl and it has actually made a BIG difference in my moods life etc. Synthroid is the thyroid med of choice by doctors, but some people do better on other meds like me such as levoxyl. Bottom line, fight for yourself, regardless of a lack of family etc. You are better than anyone out there. I truly beleive this. Go and talk to the docs. And, beleive me you may not find the right one right away. If you are going to get thyroid checked out, donlt rule out endocrinologists at major medicsl facilities, teaching hospitals etc.
Do it for yourseld, therapist endocrinologist etc. YOU DO MATTER!
amazed and sad
by: Anonymous

i am so amazed and sad that so many young people are actually in depression and thinking of suicide.

my son is just 37 and has a lovely son. my son has just found out that he has multiple sclerosis, he has to injeect himself with medicine 3 times a week for life, non an easy prospect. nonetheless he gets on with life and adores his son and plays with him every minute he can. he is an example to me who is his mother as i am in a lot of pain and sometimes want to give up, but who would suffer. your friends, relatives yes they would suffer terribly.

as another person said we must try to make small plans to get us through each day and eventually this sadness will pass. go look at a beautiful sunset and think that if you killed youself you would never see it again.

i wish all and every one of you love and happiness from today onward - be strong - fight for your life your birthright.
Pain
by: Anonymous

Pain. Right now, that's all I know. I've never written on these sites before, I've never dreamed of telling practically everyone something so personal, but I feel like I need to get the thoughts Rolling around in my head out in some way shape or form. I am a cutter. I have an addiction and it has become my world. The majority of my friends know but don't judge me for it, only disappointed and concerned. My parents know, they still punish me to this day for it. As if thats supposed to help. I have become more suicidal mentally these past few weeks. I have had severe shifts in moods. It's almost as if I'm okay when I'm at school and distracted by my "friends" like the fake smile on my face becomes believable, but as soon as I get home..I'm alone again. I start needing people again. I didn't use to be like this, I didn't use to try and be my best for everyone or explain myself to anyone, but lately it's become an obligation, just so people understand. Who I am. But I don't even know anymore. I don't think I ever did. I am misunderstood , and "weird" , I don't fit in with any crowd. Not even with family. I am outcast. I no longer consider anyone a friend because I am the only one keeping the "friendship" going. I've lost a lot of people , and am about to lose more because I'm done trying. I am giving up. I can't take it anymore. I can't handle this disappointment. This pain. It's too un real. It's too hard to form into words. It's pain no human should feel..yet someone, as weak as I, am going through it. I don't feel it's right or fair. Death doesn't even give me comfort anymore. I just want to burn. Somewhere. Anywhere but here. I am incurable. Suicide=hell for my religion, but suicide=peace for my mind. Is it worth the trade off? Right now?.....absolutely. Thank you all for being brave enough to post these things...I feel like even when I can't feel close to family or friends..there are people like you, and to all who think people don't care, I do. About all of you. I am a very compassionate person, and this is why I am broken. Just know you're not alone...and this is why I am still here today.
i thought i'm the only one
by: Anonymous

i cant help cos "you can't give what you do't have"
but it might feel good to know you are not the only one who feels like that, in fact i'm even worst cos i live in an Arabic society in which if people saw you depressed they'll laugh at you, and if i go to a therapist people say your insane and they'll never talk to you.

what should you do ? i don't know

what should i do ? suicide is the answer for me .
hey
by: Scip

I have grown up in a very loving family and I am bright healthy kid. That's why I was very concerned that I am depressed and anxious. It gets extremely hard to overcome feelings that it is not worth trying, but it really is. I don't know how your lives are but I can guarantee that there have been millions of people who feel the same way as you. It's hard too feel like your alone but really you aren't. Anyone can be strong in a comfortable time but it takes real strength to overcome a hard time. Anyone fighting depression and still going is strong, and as someone already said you will look back and be surprised by yourself and proud of your strength. For the time being I suggest getting involved in things to occupy your time and keep living a normal life even if you don't feel normal it is the best thing to keep going. Stay strong.
It hurts really bad, but DONT let it win!
by: NE farmer

Your only 13 and it was like you were describing me. Im sorry for your pain....I do know exactly what your feeling. Its like today is ok, but tomorrow is a living hell. You start to wonder if theres demons tormenting you and the air around you is so heavy with negitive energy it must be outside factors.
Its not! You NEED to force yourself to exercise!!
Walk jog climb as much as you can. It will circulate your blood through your brain which will make you feel awesome!!!Do it! Its hard to start so get mad at those demons as you run and climb. within a week, youll see a better outlook! Please, also look at your diet! Eat crap, feel crap" Get back to the basic needs of the human body....clean healthy intake and a active body. You are in my prayers
My life
by: Anonymous

I am 16 now i was born in Europe Romania and was an orphan and i was adopted when i was 4, flew to America raised in Alabama in Brewton i learned English fast. Im skinny but healthy, as i got older i notticed i was different than everyone else but in a good way. I did not have many friends i was picked on but i was a good kid. In middle school i fell in love with a girl in the same grade as me, we had been friends before at the YMCA, but one day i saw her in a different way so I asked her to be my girlfriend during band (last period) while going to a pep rally for the elementary school. She said yes, I liked her becaus who she really was not looks, she was taller than me but that didn't matter, we were in love! Now I still think about her and I wish that she would have told me earlier that she was moving so we could have at leas had a good-bye kiss! Now i am confused i miss her, i want to kill myself but not go to hell, and i want to know who my real parents are! Also i want what are we doing on this planet, one day i figured it out we are here to serve GOD!
Help.
by: Hollii

I feel like I am going through depression. I know I am. Honestly I cry myself to sleep every night but I stay awake from insomnia. Im sure I need to tell somebody how I feel but I dont know how. I feel disappointed in myself even when I think about it. what do I do?
I know how you feel
by: Kaelyn

I know how you feel but mine is different my parents are always calling min after mine and I'm tried suicide many time but never could I'm sooo scared of dieing but scared of living to I'm 11 and I feel like dieing when my mom calls me and I give her attitude and she tells me to stay there and I feel like the whole world is gamma end and I have had many panic attacks when I'm not in my room. I put a smile in everyday but so far no one has actually scene how I really feel I know you can't put up with it but feels how I put up with it sorry if this doesn't help

1. Think about a place where you created and imagine how you want things to be.

2. Or find something to keep your mind off of it like mines using the computer and iPod

3. Or cry till you feel better

I do everything tht I put but I still feel horrible inside but I will not take my life for this reason I don't even tell my parents what I feel they just can't understand me.

Ps. Your message really helped me because now I know Im not the
i know what life is!
by: been there bex

life is experience!
if your not living then you wont experianece life. it can be wonderfull but its like anything without downs in life there cannot be any ups...

ull look back on this time in your life as a tough time but ull have been so strong because you moved on. you told life that you were here and ready to live it!

dont look to the future or look back to the past it is today that matters...

let today by the day that you decided that you were sick of being sad. you wanted to be happy!
if you relax then ull see that happiness is present it is in your friends and families laughter!

if you need closure to move on in your life then write down exactly how you feel how you want your parents support because your finding it tough right now! you can do it you told me on this website that a step forward to happiness, tell your parents how you feel and then they will understand if that dosnt work visit the school counsellor and theyll suggest other ways to move your life forward! i went to my school counsellor when i felt the exact same way you do and it helped so much!

honestly life is an experience good bad and some times just ok but its something you cant miss out on! hope everything works out! x
You need to fight
by: Power to live

I know exactly how it feels. Its more or less the same for me. I never got good grades nor I was ever good at anything. I was always bullied,tortured and beat up by my classmates my friends and my Dad. And the day I became old enough was the happiest day of my life. God gave me the strength to fight for myself. Remember whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Try to hold a grudge and stand up against those who puts you down. Don't give a Damn to what people think just do everything for yourself. Remember you are not alone. There are other people who are in the same condition as you. If possible try to find some people who shares the same belief and the same interest as you no matter the age. If its not possible believe in yourself and never doubt your abilities. If anyone disagrees smack them in the face and keep giving them hell. May the lord give you enough strength to fight, AMEN.
I understand
by: Jessica

I'm so sorry. I'm 46 and I feel unfullfilled and unloved. So, I actually, even after reading your story, know how you feel. In fact, I feel alot of what you described. My guess, is like me, you are not loved. And, that really hurts. People don't really understand how they're lack of caring, and down right cruelty, hurts an individual. I even wrote to my priest in an e-mail that I don't want to go on any more, and never heard anything back. I understand you. You, like me, feel like we're just stuck here. Almost like just dropped out of the sky. I don't know about you, but I am just sick to death of people. Everything is "me, me, me." They don't give a damn about anybody but there precious selves. That makes me sick.
So, what can we do? Maybe we have to give a damn about ourselves, and learn to love ourselves. Maybe, by loving ourselves, and enjoying our own company,we can build up strength and stamina to continue on. Maybe, make some goals. Small and attainable ones. Dont' even tell others about them, if they're not supportive. You might also speak with a guidance counselor at school, and perhaps they can get you a school counselor since your parents are not helpful. If not, try a clergyman/person. Don't let others beat you down. And after the day that I just endured, thank you for helping me to write this. God Bless you.
I can't feel sorry for you.
by: Mr. King

My life has been one thing after another, You probably feel like noone could possibly feel as bad as you. And that's true. You're unique. Noone is identical. Sure you can call the therapist, but they were rained to handle everyone in the same way. AND ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL. Suicide is a sh**ty thing to do though. My dad committed suicide. As the stranger who loves all until I have a reason not to I will tell you this: You're a human being, a vital part of this little planet we all live on and share (though we suck at sharing)
You feel like you can't make a difference, do anything right?
If you live in a big city go to a homeless shelter and feel better, Those people need your help and getting it wrong for them is still a good day. You feel like you're alone? I'm terrified of crowds and wish I was alone so often. I can tell you things that would make you feel worse, but I doubt I could tell you much to make you feel better. I advise nothing because I have little advice to give, I'm 24 now, Married and happy. It was hell getting here. I've been shot, stabbed, and feeling disgusted with my life couldn't give up. I do where others fail, and I bet you could too. I have 2 friends. My wife and a friend I've known for about 14 years. I wish you the best.
James
Depression
by: Sarah

I'm still currently suffering with depression. I cannot handle anything. I have a lot of emotions that I don't even feel like exmplaining because, it's just too much... I feel sad, no one likes me.. if you want company or to spill your feelings out, I also would too. I'm dying of company, if you want to talk give me your email and we'll have a long chat. stay strong <3
Try this....It works
by: Faith

I too have suffered for yrs w/ depression. One thing that helped me was my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ. I tried it all...to fill an emptiness and after one failure to another and no satisfaction I picked up the Bible one day and started reading. It was like every word on the pages were speaking to me. Jesus showed me "HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME WHEN HE DIED ON THE CROSS FOR ME". Tears begin falling out of my eyes. I ask him into my life right then and ask him to forgive me of my sins, I told him "I accept you as my Lord and Savior". Honestly, from that moment on I began to feel different. As time went on I noticed I didn't feel alone anymore and that someone TRULY loved me. Without Christ we put our focus on people and they will always fail us. Maybe not because they want too, but most are fighting some kind of battle themselves, and mostly because they are humans too. The emptiness we try and fill with drugs, sex and alcohol can never fulfill us. ONLY OUR CREATOR, because he is the one who made us, therefore he knows us and he made us to need him for fulfillment. All he wants is a relationship with you, whom he named before you were ever in your mothers womb. He called you and he made you, how possibly can another human being understand or feel like you. YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND. Hope this helps someone.
Hold on
by: Lost

You go through the same things I do. I am so sick of life but I feel if I kill myself I'll miss out on a chance to finally be happy. No one understands me. I don't even think I understand me. Just hold on . Because if you let go you will never know what could have been.
What is today
by: David

Today is thursday the only thing you can control is yourself.I have been diagnosed with severe depression and cronic pain,I have days just like yours but taking your life is not the way I have tried that and you cause more hurt than you will ever experience.After recovering from my attempt I found out that I can only control my own feelings and pain no one else can you have the ability to help yourself.My prayer is that you would look to God for answers becase He will provide your answers.You have to turn it all over to him and never go back to it because when you give it to him you no longer own it.I still get depressed but I know I have the rest of my life to live and I will live it and you can too.I hope this may have helped in some way because you are a gift from God.
hating me
by: Diana

I feel the same way right now and im seventeen.. every word that u said in a way comforted me becuase everyone seems to be scared of the way i feel...at least thanks for sharing i hate feeling alone
Hang on.
by: Anonymous

I want to tell you that I googled up on depression sites omin hope of searching for a place of escapism. I chanced on your post. And I want to tell you that if you ever, ever need anyone... e-mail me. I may live half the continent away from you but your entry really touched me. Be strong and keep strong and never forget that someone here, through her own tears, cared enough to share an email.
janespur(at)hotmail.com
love who you are
by: Anonymous

Ach people av been there ....but i am a bit older than you lot "but not wiser" but what i have realised is you must all love yourselves for who you are.....yes you will be hurting but every one of you are unique...dont ever give up...can i suggest wht helped me at the time when i was down?? do some volunteering ,get out do things anything you want u are the master of your own destiny.....love to you all.....
I can't take it anymore...
by: Believe.

I have but one piece of advice for you.

Suffering... is an
-option.
All us too.
by: Anonymous

Most the comments I've read on this are saying "Ya, me too. (their story...)" Well me three. Your not alone out there! Your not the only one feeling like this - we are too. And yes, we're complete strangers, thats true. But at least 15 other people are like this - probably more- AT LEAST.

Me three, and I'm 11.

'Lifes the greatest challenge.'
life sux
by: Anonymous

I'm 38 and I can't take it anymore.Tired of going to prison and jail for child support.Tired of not having a job.Tired of the way the world is.Tired of being tired.
You ain't alone
by: Thomas

I feel the same bro. There's no one for me to go to and talk about my feelings. I feel isolated from the world, like I'm not a human, just an object in the area. I try acting happy and normal, but inside I'm crying.

You probably have it way better than me, and I mean that 100%. I don't have the social skills to hang out with friends like everyone does, I probably will never have the confidence to ask a girl out, and my one real friend (my cousin) isn't exactly someone I can go to with my problems. My whole life I've wanted to go back in time and change certain decisions I've made.

Here are some things that help me get through life...I've listened to "Welcome to My Life" by Simple Plan, I fear of what happens when you die, and sometimes, and I just pretend like this life is someone else's life. It's kinda hard to describe but it's like when you organize your stuff. When it's only your stuff, you want everything perfect and a certain way, but when you organize a friend's belongings, it's really simple and easy, even kind of fun.

So good luck dude, try to enjoy your life.
this isnt some stupid message, saying how much we love you, its the truth.
by: LIVING IS A GIFT, DONT WASTE IT

i think you should just stop and think, Yes i no you wonder that 'if' you commited suicide, would anyone actually care? well the truth is you'll never know, once you do it, you've done it. thats it no more second chances.
Maybe you didnt have the best childhood, but how about reversing that and giving someone special pherhaps your children and grandchildren a chance to live a happy life, with you in it. Let other people have a chance because death affects everybody, even if you think it might not, it definitely does. We were put on this earth to create other people, thats how our bodies are made from the moment we're born. Or maybe you dont want kids but then think about all the young people who have died for no reason by disasters like car accidents and murders. And now your willing to just give up and throw yours away, on your own choice. life is special and you only have one shot.
To get to just the ripe age of 14 and not want to live anymore, is not the best feeling. Although you may be going through heaps of problems, but nothing. nothing is worth giving up this. You can get help, theres plenty of people out there who are willing to give up time to help beautiful people like you. Suicide is the easy way out, be strong, be the best you can be. and i promise when you get older, when your an adult you will be so grateful for the decision you made.
me too
by: Anonymous

i feel exactly the same. people say those things but they don't mean it. they just want to pity you and make feel like ur loved but they really don't. i never beleived any one who said they loved me.
Just like you
by: Anonymous

I know exactly how you feel. I'm a fourteen year old girl. I have no friends, my family treats me like I'm stupid, and a lot more other things. Just yesterday I went into my closet and closed the door, because my mom upset me. She's always arguing with me, doing things to irritate me and she does it on purpose and then gets mad at me and tell me I need to control my temper. I used to be such a happy girl, but I hate everything about myself now. I've thought about killing myself dozens of times I even once pressed the knife directly to my throat, but couldn't do it because my dog(the only one who loves my) was in the room. I lash out all the time in anger because I'm friendless and I want to be famous but my family says it's a stupid thing to pursue, but yet they all say I can sing really really good. They say I'm the teenage version of Whitney Houston (before she got hooked on drugs). But I don't sing in front of them anymore. Not since I was 5. I can't get any help because I feel like no one understands. It's painful. Sorry I couldn't be much of help, but I just wanted to say I can relate to you on this even though we don't know each other.

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