I can't take it anymore...

by Steph
(California)

Killing my brain

Killing my brain

I'm 13 and currently suffering from depression. Although every site tells me to call the therapist do you really think it's that easy? I can't even tell a single person how I truly feel. How do you expect me to visit the doctor and get help? I feel so hopeless and lost. I have the pills to suicide in my drawer next to me right now. I have looked up ways to cure depression and suicide methods at the same time. I don't even know what I want anymore. Everytime I start to believe in life again, it's taken away the next day. Maybe the world just wants me dead. I just have no guts and I'm scared of losing everything that I can gain. I get moody easily and my mood swings and suicide thoughts are increasing everyday. I feel uneeded and sometimes I wonder why I'm alive in the world. Nobody makes me feel happy. I thought I had friends, until I found out that they planned so many events without me. I thought I had a family but everytime I fail their expectations they turn their head. What am I? What is love? What is life? Why am I even alive? Everything is killing my brain and I want to cry my eyes out. But who would be there to comfort me but myself? It hurts to suffer and it hurts even more to suffer alone. In my family, crying is a sign of weakness and it deserves beating. In my school, talking about yourself is a way of showing off. So what am I supposed to do now? I'm lost and I'm broken inside. I already tried suiciding once. Nobody knew and nobody cared. I told my parents that I felt depressed and sad at many times but instead they thought I was joking and made fun of me. I told my friends that I might not live the next day and instead they laughed. Is it really funny? Would it be funny if they didn't see me the next day? Do they know how painful my life is? It hurts so bad. Someone, please just kill me and end my pain. I can't take it anymore. I'm suffocating and I just want someone to comfort my pains. But I'm so scared to tell them what I truly think. I can't take it anymore. How many times have I thought of killing myself. I can't even count it and I don't even know how it started. To top it off, the stress is killing my brain and nobody cares. The only thing they say is "don't become emo, it's stupid" i'm so scared that I'm practically shaking inside. Nothing good ever comes when it comes to me. I wonder why...does anyone out there love me? When I look at sites, the only thing people say is "I love you and I care about you. Please don't die there's tons of things in life out there. You'll find someone to love you one day." I'm sick of those answers. They don't help at all. Yeah, like a total stranger would love me. That's just impossible. Everyone's just saying that because they want to comfort me. Am I that pitiable? All I want is to die. Just let me die. Please, I'm already dying on the inside. It hurts...so bad...

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I can't take it anymore...

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Hang on.
by: Anonymous

I want to tell you that I googled up on depression sites omin hope of searching for a place of escapism. I chanced on your post. And I want to tell you that if you ever, ever need anyone... e-mail me. I may live half the continent away from you but your entry really touched me. Be strong and keep strong and never forget that someone here, through her own tears, cared enough to share an email.
janespur(at)hotmail.com
love who you are
by: Anonymous

Ach people av been there ....but i am a bit older than you lot "but not wiser" but what i have realised is you must all love yourselves for who you are.....yes you will be hurting but every one of you are unique...dont ever give up...can i suggest wht helped me at the time when i was down?? do some volunteering ,get out do things anything you want u are the master of your own destiny.....love to you all.....
I can't take it anymore...
by: Believe.

I have but one piece of advice for you.

Suffering... is an
-option.
All us too.
by: Anonymous

Most the comments I've read on this are saying "Ya, me too. (their story...)" Well me three. Your not alone out there! Your not the only one feeling like this - we are too. And yes, we're complete strangers, thats true. But at least 15 other people are like this - probably more- AT LEAST.

Me three, and I'm 11.

'Lifes the greatest challenge.'
you care
by: Anonymous

Hey yeah people who have suffered nothing do not understand..I will share with you my story i have suffered all my life with depression and many times have wanted to end it because of the abuses i suffered as a child. I did the whole lot drink drugs,sex etc....but i always felt empty even church looking at different religons didnt help then one day i said no one cares or helps anymore and i thought hold on why dont i become the helper the carer and i did and never looked back oh i still suffer bad from depression but now i know that it aint th eend ..Set up your own group and to hell with anyone who laughs or ridicules u..one day they will know how it feels and you will be the one helping them and u will do it because u understand..trust me and trust urself u will come thru all this...you will find ur way listen to "YOU" the answrs are there....xxxx satire
WHY ME
by: Anonymous

life is fucked no cares about you you know i go through so much pain and i just cant take it anymore either and im only 15
life sux
by: Anonymous

I'm 38 and I can't take it anymore.Tired of going to prison and jail for child support.Tired of not having a job.Tired of the way the world is.Tired of being tired.
i dont know
by: Anonymous

i too fell somwhat similar to you but the truth is that i am good at lots of things ,i am great socially and love this concept of life.even though i know i cant take it any more i know suicide is not the answer................there has got to be something more meaningfull,but as soon as i start beliving i fail ,fut the failing makes my beliefs stronger.....it constact circle drives me mad every minute i just want to be relived of the pain ,,,,and death is not the answer
You ain't alone
by: Thomas

I feel the same bro. There's no one for me to go to and talk about my feelings. I feel isolated from the world, like I'm not a human, just an object in the area. I try acting happy and normal, but inside I'm crying.

You probably have it way better than me, and I mean that 100%. I don't have the social skills to hang out with friends like everyone does, I probably will never have the confidence to ask a girl out, and my one real friend (my cousin) isn't exactly someone I can go to with my problems. My whole life I've wanted to go back in time and change certain decisions I've made.

Here are some things that help me get through life...I've listened to "Welcome to My Life" by Simple Plan, I fear of what happens when you die, and sometimes, and I just pretend like this life is someone else's life. It's kinda hard to describe but it's like when you organize your stuff. When it's only your stuff, you want everything perfect and a certain way, but when you organize a friend's belongings, it's really simple and easy, even kind of fun.

So good luck dude, try to enjoy your life.
this isnt some stupid message, saying how much we love you, its the truth.
by: LIVING IS A GIFT, DONT WASTE IT

i think you should just stop and think, Yes i no you wonder that 'if' you commited suicide, would anyone actually care? well the truth is you'll never know, once you do it, you've done it. thats it no more second chances.
Maybe you didnt have the best childhood, but how about reversing that and giving someone special pherhaps your children and grandchildren a chance to live a happy life, with you in it. Let other people have a chance because death affects everybody, even if you think it might not, it definitely does. We were put on this earth to create other people, thats how our bodies are made from the moment we're born. Or maybe you dont want kids but then think about all the young people who have died for no reason by disasters like car accidents and murders. And now your willing to just give up and throw yours away, on your own choice. life is special and you only have one shot.
To get to just the ripe age of 14 and not want to live anymore, is not the best feeling. Although you may be going through heaps of problems, but nothing. nothing is worth giving up this. You can get help, theres plenty of people out there who are willing to give up time to help beautiful people like you. Suicide is the easy way out, be strong, be the best you can be. and i promise when you get older, when your an adult you will be so grateful for the decision you made.
me too
by: Anonymous

i feel exactly the same. people say those things but they don't mean it. they just want to pity you and make feel like ur loved but they really don't. i never beleived any one who said they loved me.
Just like you
by: Anonymous

I know exactly how you feel. I'm a fourteen year old girl. I have no friends, my family treats me like I'm stupid, and a lot more other things. Just yesterday I went into my closet and closed the door, because my mom upset me. She's always arguing with me, doing things to irritate me and she does it on purpose and then gets mad at me and tell me I need to control my temper. I used to be such a happy girl, but I hate everything about myself now. I've thought about killing myself dozens of times I even once pressed the knife directly to my throat, but couldn't do it because my dog(the only one who loves my) was in the room. I lash out all the time in anger because I'm friendless and I want to be famous but my family says it's a stupid thing to pursue, but yet they all say I can sing really really good. They say I'm the teenage version of Whitney Houston (before she got hooked on drugs). But I don't sing in front of them anymore. Not since I was 5. I can't get any help because I feel like no one understands. It's painful. Sorry I couldn't be much of help, but I just wanted to say I can relate to you on this even though we don't know each other.
You can win
by: Anonymous

The people that tell you that there s so much to live for are right. And also that you ll find someone to love you is also true in time . However first things first.You need to love your self first. You need to become almost selfish with your own life. No its not easy, but then what things in life are. The hardest thing you will ever do is ask for help, the most courageous thing you ll ever do is as for help. Many of your friends Im certain have issues in there life they can t handle or deal with an dont have the strength to ask for help. Thats where you can shine and lead the way by seeking help, someone your comfortable with talking to. I know because Iv been there down that road of darkness. for me that friend was Jesus, He more than any one cares for you. yes I talked with other people along the way they listened and encouraged me.But I was still on anti-depressants and wanted off them. In the end the journey led me to the Lord and to ,as best as I can pray. He does and will answer prayer only YOU MUST call to him and accept him . I no longer take drugs for depression and its great But I couldnt do it alone I needed gods help period, and he gave it to me no conditions attached. Now it may sound silly but by you wrighting tihis letter you ve already taken that first huge step in the right direction. A long journey begins with one step. I know you ll succed god has a plan for you, he did for me.Just so you know I battled depression for many years and Im now 60. and feel great.You can win. God Bless

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