I cant stop thinking about it, because its alwasy there.

by Axilena
(New York)

About 7 months ago I was in a relationship with this guy… He was 19 and I had just turned 16. He changed; I hate how that always happens. He turned into someone else, a monster. He controlled me and I was scared of him. He pulled me away from all my friends and everyone I loved.
I didn’t have anyone except him, and I didn’t even want him there, next to me, breathing down my neck, pressuring me, making me feel like shit, telling me I’m worthless. I was so scared of his anger. Soon I had enough and I ended it.
My friends had moved on to other friends or they were more interested in their boyfriends. I tried to go back to being friends but they wouldn’t listen to me. They wouldn’t talk to me. It’s like I didn’t exist. Then I was raped.
I trusted this kid and he took advantage of me. I told him no I don’t know how many time, over 15 though. There was no point in yelling, nobody was home at his house and it was late. I couldn’t do anything. I was supposed to spend the night to. I just laid there while he did what he wanted. I pretended to not care.
The next day I went to work without a V card and I thought it didn’t matter and that it wouldn’t affect me, but it did eventually. I tried to talk to my friends again but they wouldn’t listen, they just got mad at me all the time for saying his name when I was trying to bring up the topic. So I gave up. I didn’t talk at all. I sat at lunch and didn’t say anything. They got mad at that too. They acted like they were better than me, my “friends”. They talked shit and soon so did everyone in the school. I was a slut? I didn’t know that… It made me feel awful.
I had regular stress too, really hard school work, other peoples drama, home life drama, work and depression. It is so hard to deal with all at once.
I couldn’t wait to get out of school. I counted down till the last day, so I could get away from all these people who I hated, I hated everyone. After the last day, I started smoking a lot more weed than I usually did. I started partying too much. I got really dumb with way to many guys. I almost got pregnant twice. I drove 100 miles an hr in a car with a coked up idiot of a guy that thought I liked him. Again, I was being stupid.
I left town for a while and came back, slightly better. In the midst of all my craziness I stopped eating as much, I slept 2 hours a night max, and I was punished. I tried to talk to my parents. My mom made me scoop horse shit till I told her who I lost my virginity to, I never did. My dad, well he’s crazy and I’m scared of him. They both yelled at me for looking so tired and not eating enough.
After I got back from my 2 week vacation from home to see other family across the country, stuff started again. I got with a couple more guys that I never really cared for and one cared too much. He was “in love”. He had the same qualities as my 19 year old ex; controlling, mean and ruthless. He said awful things to me. I was the worst women to walk on this earth, supposedly.
Nobody listened to me, not for one second. Nobody wanted to care. Now I like it better when they don’t talk to me, I hate people. They are all the same.
I’m scared to be home alone; I hide in my house because I’m afraid HE will find me. I don’t tell people how I feel or what I do because they don’t understand. People question me about why I do the things I do, or at least about the stuff they see. Honestly, I don’t know why because I don’t know myself.
The only person I had then, the only one I have now and the only person ill trust the rest of my life, my little sister. 15 year old little sister, she’s always there. She always listened and always understood.
My eating has gotten better. I still don’t sleep and I bought medication for sleeping, I see HIM every day, I haven’t told anyone everything. Nobody but my sister. I still think every day about everything sand it feels like it will never go away. It’s been 7 months and I still am depressed.
I know there are people in this world who have it worse than I do, people on this website that are dealing with a lot more and will have to deal with it a lot longer, weaker people and stronger people but I just wanted to share how I felt and still feel, what happened to me too. I thought it might help me and maybe someone else.