I am ill

by affect
(australia)

I'm ill. I know I am, in fact, had been ill for a long time.

I seemed to know why this happened to me and what to do will help me to be better. But I just remain in this state, helplessly.

I had a mother who got cancer at her 40s, within a few years, she passed on when I was turning 12years old. She used to be one who looked sad and it seemed her gene has passed down to me. I was an outstanding student from young, but from 11-12 year old onwards, I tend to cry easily, feeling lots stress from school and life. Everyone else in the high school thought I was emotional throughout high school. I tried very hard to change how people see me, then I hid some emotions at times.

i'm now 26 and just came to a new country to study university last year. i dun wanna anyone who is potentially my new made friends to think that i looked sad or depressed. i smiled most of the time, i appeared happy most of the time. recently i got really stressed with university study, yet have to manage part time job at the same time which i dun seem to cope very well. i think i cant socialize with people. i dunno what people i talking about as english is not my first language. whenever things happened, i think i'm at fault. people are nice to help me, but i feel inferior as i cant do as good and need people to help. and which is now, i had been feeling depressed for days consecutively. lack of energy, stressed, headache, tired, negative, impulsive to cry, guilty. ...i thought of seeking help from counsellor, but i dare not. as i am in healthcare line, as i worried if i do seek help, it will be part of my record and become hindrance when i look for job. people won't wanna hire someone with mental problem, will they?

My best friends were all in overseas. i think i have troubled them much enough and i feel ashamed to tell admit to them that i am depressed. they had been there for me to encourage me all the time since i was "labelled" as emotional. i think they will be sick of seeing me becoming depressed again. my siblings are overseas too. hey are too busy to care for me, at least that's what i thought. i know i have symptoms of depression, i learned all those during my tertiary/professional education. life is hard isn't it?i just became christian, but i doubt my faith for God sometimes, am i fit to claim myself a christian? things have been bad before, but wasn't this lengthy and consistent like this. i went throughout a number of online depression test, all said mild to moderate depression. i had an ex boyfriend who had depression before. we were together for a long time but he is now married already. and he is living well i think. he used to be my home in the heart. but i seem to have lost him forever. i know i have all the factors contributing me to depression, but i dunno how i can change this. can i ever change? i'm so exhausted. so exhausted.