Huge pain in my chest

by amanda
(california)

Let me see. Well, i've always seemed like a happy girl. I've been known to smile and laugh. But behind all that, all I was, was a bunch of sadness.

i've always felt unwanted, unloved, useless, lonely. i don't exactly know why. i've just never felt a reason for my life. i'm not naturally a happy girl. i'm constantly annoyed with the world around me. i'm very anti social. i talk to very few people and getting close with people is a fear of mine. i finally fell in love about a year ago. or something like that. back in 2009. that relationship made me happier then i have ever been. suddenly after 10 months, my heart got dropped. and that ruined me. it was a random break up.

I was crushed, and my depression just increased by so much. I wasn't able to recover from that for a long time. After no eating, sleeping to little, then sleeping to much my family started to worry. Not knowing what to do. I started failing in school. And doing bad. I had to do something. I had to let myself run away from that. Awhile after that.

maybe 9 months from that, i got into a relationship. the one i'm in now. this guy happens to also have depression. he's similar to me and knows how i feel. he finally gave me his hearty and i gave him mine. hoping it doesn't get dropped. if that happens, i wont be able to recover from that. i'm done for. my life is basically in his hands. as well as his life is in mine. i've tried running from all this pain i go through, but it always chases after me and end up catching me.

i hate being alone because all the bad thoughts come back, making a huge pain in my chest. throughout my whole body i feel sick. the pain comes back every night. people wouldn't expect this. it's not something i tell people. but i have to at least tell someone. keeping it all in only makes it worse. i'm a young girl, and people think i don't know what depression is, and i'm doing this for attention and what now. i wish i was. but no. this pain is for real. the worst pain ever. most people don't understand. and i'm so glad they don't.

depression is a selfish horrible thing. it keeps you from having happiness. it keeps you from being able to trust, love, and live a normal life. it's not a fair way of living. and sadly, i was one of those chose people to have to deal with this monster that hides inside of me. it makes life difficult. and it makes me wonder, why am i still here. this monster wants my life so bad, so why doesn't he just take it from me? thats what goes on my head. along with the other bad thoughts i have. its a scary thing. but i've been living with it for a long time now. and it only seems to get worse. sure, i've had my good days. but those are rare for me. very rare. well, thanks for reading.