He Wouldn't...

by C.

We'd just broken up. I knew he had had psychiatric problems, but I tried not to let that get to me. I knew he would be upset, but I didn't know how upset. And then I get it: the text that started everything. "I really hope you're happy. Because of you, I've decided I won't be here much longer. I don't want to live anymore. Congratulations."

I couldn't believe it.

He was trying to tell me it was my fault he was depressed and suicidal. He was going to kill himself because of me. Why? I knew I had to do something; tell someone. I ran downstairs and told my mom. She offered to call his mom, and they talked for about 30 seconds before she put me on the phone. I didn't know what to say. I didn't think, "He's going to kill himself because of me" would go over very well. And by this time I was shaking so badly I could barely even speak. I did the best I could to tell her what was wrong, and she hung up and went home to find him.

I never found out what happened after that. No, "Thanks" or any news. He's still alive, I know that much. I don't know for how long and I don't know if he'll ever try again, but I won't be the one dealing with it if that ever happens.

It made me think: does anyone realize the trauma they put other people in when they think about suicide? I can't imagine how I would have felt if I hadn't told someone. Would I be welcome at his funeral? Would his family know it was me? Would they know I had known all along, and was just too scared to say anything? These thoughts ate up my mind for weeks. They still do, from time to time.

So here's a message to everyone thinking about suicide: think about your friends, your family, your teachers. Think about that girl that looks at you from across the room or that kid that sits at the lunch table across from yours. Think about everyone in your life, even if they don't play a large part in it. You mean something to them. You mean something to everyone.