Harry Truman

by Harry
(Wellington)

12 Years ago I lived an active lifestyle. I was an advanced scuba diving instructor, played tournament badminton, white water rafting guide trainee. Basicaly an adrenaline junky. I had lots of friends and lead a healthy and productive lifestyle.

Now I suffer from chronic pain ( an old hernia operation ). I have constant pain levels that vary anywhere from 5 to 9 with peaks of 10. I have tried lotsa of pain meds and see the local pain clinic. Currently I am using Methadone, oxycontine, zoplicone and lamictagol and venlafaxine. 3 years I was diagnosed with deep depression and at that stage I had tried to suicide. ( failure due to lack of knowledge of drugs ).

I was commited to the local mental hospital for a few weeks, of that time I have no memory recall. To addfuel to the fire I had been told at my job that I had been " zoning out ", like no one was home. After this being told to me I advised my local GP and she sent me to see a neurologist. It turns out from the EEG scan that I have a condition called absentee epilepsy. I saw the CATT team last week and that was a waste of time, I felt like that they did not understand what was going on. The pain clinic have told me that they will not adj my pain meds as the neurologist and CATT psychologist are changing the meds that I currently take. But he will see me in three months. Again another lack of understanding of how much pain I am in and how I am feeling. Now to top it off I have been made redundant. I have no friends,no hobbies. No reason to live. I am desperately searching for a reason to live. I have the drugs needed to end my life and I know that I will not fail this time.

If I can not find work soon my finances will run out and I will be no longer able to support my self and my wife. So I have a time to do this and the capability. I am at least grateful that my wife is independant and can now rork to support herself. The sale of the items I have accumulated through my life will help her with the mortage. It seems strange that since I have made my mind up about this, this is the calmest that I have felt for a very long time.

This is my storey.